Looks like the SSM is no more for me...W has done a complete turnaround and is leading the charge. At this point ML is mostly daily or twice daily. W has stated that she intends to continue this for the future of our marriage and that this is not just a phase. She's a very determined person, and i see and believe her dedication to this...it's in my court to screw things up now. Even though she's said she's afraid that if i don't get some everyday i might pack up and leave again, it's not feeling like duty sex. She's actually working on things and wants to improve our sex life and learn and explore new things as well. Basically...what all of us HD's here have been looking for.
At what price? Things had built up inside me for a long time...life around the house was not good, as i was full of anger whenever i was around W. finally i blew up and moved out.
It seemed that that was the end of the M. I was prepared to move on. I think i was pretty much Emotionally Divorced by the time W said she wanted me to stay and would change to be able to provide what i needed. I'm still having a hard time putting myself 100% back into the M. Between finding myself ED, and other issues in the marriage that caused me lots of stress, and to some degree i was looking forward to moving away from, that now need to be dealt with. Not only do i see the gap that needs to be crossed, i'm not finding the energy within myself to start working on making that step.
My depression has lessened but its still here. After moving out and givine up on my M, i leaned heavily on a friend for emotional support. This lead to an OA/EA (with a very HD female at that) that i don't feel ready to let go of yet. As i look back, i realize that for the past 3 years i had been searching for an OA before i did walk away.
anyway..there's the good and the bad and i need to work now on sorting myself out.
Now40, it sounds like you might still be flirting with the "end of the M", instead of just "end of the SSM". I hear indecision in your "voice", as well as an inability to truly TRUST that this is TRULY a new way of life for W. Suggestion: read PM - it'll explain a LOT...
Can you find the page in PM that talks about this phenomena where couples flip-flop desire? It's actually a "danger sign" of problems relating to being fused, siamese twins and having shared functioning. Would that text apply here?
Anywhere is walking distance if you have the time
-Steven Wright
No, I think Corri's got it. I think he's still ambivalent about the R, and about the reason for the LM. Corri senses the underlying issues still haven't been dealt with, if I read her correctly, and I concur... (not that it makes a rat's a$$ worth of difference...)
You guys are right...i am still questiong the M. I'm not questioning wife's motivations or actions...i know her well enough to know this is not an act, and that she will do her utmost to continue with her actions in order to hang on to me.
I find being with W to often be stressful and difficult on my nerves. It has been that way almost since the beginning. I don't know if i can be happy with her, and i'm not able to find the energy yet to start working on that.
Ironically, your title says it all ...."end of a sex starved marriage". It's ambiguous whether it's the end of the "sex starved" issue or the "marriage" itself and it sounds like you are feeling that way too. I hope things work out well. I'm sure the rest of us HD guys here were thinking..."hmmm....cheap apartment $500, a futon $200, getting a bunch of action from my wife...priceless".
Anywhere is walking distance if you have the time
-Steven Wright
Since it seems you have missed the sales pitch, I'd recommend you pick up The Passionate Marriage. I'm saying this because, one, you still are not happy in your M even though the number one rated problem (lack of sex) has been addressed.
Two, because of this:
Quote: This lead to an OA/EA (with a very HD female at that) that i don't feel ready to let go of yet. As i look back, i realize that for the past 3 years i had been searching for an OA before i did walk away.
Sounds to me like you are looking for an 'emotional connection' with someone, and because you and your wife are what we PMers refer to as being 'emotionally fused' to one another, you allow each other no room to really be yourselves in your relationship.... hence, the 'stress and tension' and feelings of ambivalence.
It could be a very enlightening read for you. Regardless of what you decide for your M, you should still read PM for the sake of any future relationships.
I think your last post says it all. You know that your wife is going to keep this up, but you are fearful that she is doing this to "keep" you and not out of a desire to grow the sexual relationship, or increase intimacy with you.
In addition, the EA can't be helping matters. If your heart belongs to another, then you can't expect it to feel "right" with your wife. My advice is to just give it time. Time will tell whether your wife's personality really does bother you too much for long-term happiness, or whether you are just missing the OW. Time will also tell whether your wife wants more intimacy or just wants to hang on to you.
