Thanks for replying to my question. My H comes at 7:00 a.m. to pick up our daughter for tutoring twice a week and usually stays for about 10 minutes. I did end up seeing him this morning. I just said "hi" and asked him how he was doing. He is coming down with a bit of a sore throat like me. Our last meeting did not end well so I wanted him to know I was okay without really having to say it directly and I did not want to give the appearance that I was hiding from him or trying to punish him.
While I was at home sick, I did A LOT of reading yesterday... A LOT. Different books and previous threads. I found one where there were three women on there whose husbands all said they were done, wanted a D, etc... All three ended up coming back or wanting to come back but not before their wives had truly let go. More thinking for me. I also thought about my H asking me to let him go and why it is he feels like I haven't. Part of it is that our finances are still joined so he can't really spend any money without feeling like I am watching his every move. The second reason is that he knows how hard this has been for me, feels incredibly guilty and looks for signs that I am upset. Whenever you look for something, you will find it. So...I realized that even though I have been doing a lot of things to make it look like I am letting go, I really have not made a lot of steps towards it in any real way...and he knows me well enough to know that. What is it that we said about our WH's BS detector? My H has a great one when it comes to me. And then there is my expressive face...lol.
I'd been thinking about it all yesterday so this morning, after he left, I made a big decision and I took a GIANT step toward doing what he has asked me to do. He had started to want to talk about our finances the other night but I stopped him because I wasn't in the place where I thought we could reasonably talk about it. So this morning, I drafted and sent an email (very business-like) outlining the steps he would need to take to separate his bills from mine and credit cards, etc... I also provided him with the amount of child support he would be required to pay (he will HATE that one because it is likely much more than he expects but he will pay it as he knows it is the right thing to do). It will be a big wake up call for him as he has never been in charge of his own bills or savings. This will be a huge learning curve as he is used to be doing everything and never really having to stress about money. And he doesn't get paid during the summer so he will also need to think about putting some savings away to cover his bills. Again...this is something he has never done. At the end of the email, I simply put... This is me... letting you go, and signed my name. There was nothing about the email that in any way could be conceived as pursuit... it was just the facts and a gentle declaration that he is free...as he requested.
And you know what everyone?? It felt really, really good to just give him what he wants with no expectations. I feel like in doing that, it has, in a way, freed me as well. Yesterday I really came to understand that my fear of him not returning is the main thing that has been holding me back which is the crazy thing because he is already GONE. I know, I know...that's what people have been saying all along and what detachment is all about. I got it intellectually but it has taken a while to sink in and to really GET IT. It is going to be much easier doing the things I need to do to move on now because I feel like I am finally ready to TRULY drop the rope. He needs me to... and I need me to. There is no other way and I have to stop fighting it because the more I do, the more stuck I feel and the more he wants to run away from me. And this just makes things tough on my kids so I especially have to do this for them. So they know their mom is okay and that it is okay to be with dad without worrying that being with him is making mom sad. I can't have that.
So...today is the first day of a whole new life for me. I'm letting go of the shame (that I wasn't good enough or failed at being married), the anger, the sadness, the bitterness and above all else, the FEAR. I know there are still some sad days ahead and a few kicks to the gut but I KNOW I will be OKAY in the end. I am very blessed in other areas of my life and I am going to focus on what I have instead of what I don't have. I choose a better life for me and if my H is going to be a part of it in the future, that's great, and, if not, I will be fine. I know I can do this. All of you can too!!!!
