Advice for newcomer pre- bomb drop.

[sandi2]

To further complicate things, I don't personally believe in divorce. I know it sounds stupid, but I married this woman because I saw the pain that she went through when her parents divorced when she was 15 years old.

No, it's not stupid, if you truly believe divorce is wrong. I am trying to figure out how you look at things.

You say you married her b/c you saw her going through pain of her parents' D when she was 15. Was that your way of rescuing her and/or offering her a new life? I assume you were in love with her. But, was she really in love with you? (You don't have to type out a response, I just want you to think about it.) When a young teenage girl wants out of her current home life so badly, she'll nearly M the first boy that's willing to help her. I have seen so many girls marry young, trying to get out of a bad situation.

She swore that she would never put her family through anything like she went through. Yet, here we are...

I'm sure she meant it at the time, but she was still a kid, and people change.

That is why I haven't dropped this on her as a boundary as I'm not sure if I'm ready to back it up until I have researched the health insurance things.

Well, I can sympathize. But I encourage you to get on that research now. It would be terrible to feel you are forced to stay with a cheater, just to have insurance coverage. And, if she thinks you have no choice but to let her remain at that job, then she'll feel she has you by the b@lls, and your MR will be washed up. So get busy about that insurance stuff. Besides, if she decides she wants the D, then you'll be looking for supplemental insurance anyway.

Since I can't yet back up the boundary of quitting her job, I'd like to state something about not sharing her with him in any capacity. Not as lovers, friends, buddies or anything. I can't be with her as long as she is having any contact with him. I get that it's hard to enforce when they can see each other every day. I do have one ally at her work that I can count on to hold her accountable, but there are two others there that will go out of their way to protect her and may have even encouraged her affair.

Until she has made a clear, verbal commitment to do whatever is necessary to save the M, she's not going to honor this type of boundary of not being friends, etc., with OM. It's not the job of your ally to hold her accountable. Beside, it would place a lot of stress on the ally. S/he is the one who has to work there every day with your W. Your WW would highly resent it, and I'm sure the friction would not be worth it to your ally. Plus, the others at work who encourage the affair will make an outcast of the ally, or maybe cause other problems at work. (I've seen this happen a lot.) Women are like cats, especially when they work in the same company.

If I understood correctly, your WW made a half-hearted attempt to indicate she had decided to stay in the M. However, that's not the same as committing to do the necessary work to get over this affair and repair the MR. She has no idea of the hard work ahead that she needs to do. I have a pretty good idea where her head is right now, and she's thinking that you'll accept what OM's W told you as being a done deal and the affair is over......and everything goes back to the way it was previously, if she plays her cards right. But. that's not how it works. She's going to see OM at the office every day and it's going to keep those feelings stirred for him. OM and your WW think they'll lay low for a couple of weeks, but eventually they start giving each other the eye contact, meet up at the water fountain, take coffee breaks at the same time, start sending emails, etc., until it's back full on again. Working together keeps the emotional embers fanned, and it doesn't take look until it's a blazing flame again. It's inevitable. If they have to sneak around and hide in a broom closet, that just makes it more exciting.

So, back to your boundary about not sharing her. What are you prepared to do, should she not respect your boundary? The effectiveness of any boundary is determined by the consequences. Weak consequences reap weak boundaries. No consequences equal no boundaries. A person who disrespects you doesn't care if they cross your personal boundary, but if they suffer b/c they made the choice to cross it....…..then it might cause them to reconsider. See what I mean? She is currently wayward minded, and her feelings for you did not bounce back just b/c OM's W called a halt to the A. Don't expect a wayward W to do the honorable thing, b/c she's already proven that she can't be trusted, right? If she'll compromise or disrespect her wedding vows, she'll have no problem disrespecting your personal boundary, unless the price is too steep for her. See what I mean? She has to decide if contact with OM is worth the price she'll have to pay. The consequences have to be harsh enough that she'll at least think twice before dishonoring that boundary. Sadly enough, most WW's who are in the thick of an affair, allow their emotions to dictate their decisions. That means, most of them have to experience consequences. It's usually the loss that breaks through the affair fog enough to at least get the WW's attention and see what she is doing.

You say you can't be with her as long as she has contact with OM. What does that mean? Does it mean physical separation? B/c anything less than that, will not phase her, and a physical separation may not be enough to stop her. But check with a lawyer before you give any hints/threats of going that far. You need to know where you would stand financially, and your rights. So, use this time wisely and don't mess around.