[Living]

I too know my worth, and I'm feeling it more and more every day. I am curious if W will ever get a chance to notice or if she's too far out the door. I feel you when you say how unfair this all is to the LBS. My spouse is also 46. I'm 34 and the idea of not being in an active healthy relationship during this awesome part of my life is enraging.

BUT then I remember that I wasn't living my best self either. So did I really want to be my not-best-self? I was happy, but perhaps not fulfilled. One of my self-improvement goals is strangely about my sexuality. I was not an actively sexual person during the R. And it didn't bother me, but it sure hurt W to have these different levels of desire. And now that we're S leaning towards D I find myself with sexual energy (ugh. so sad). But I'm spending my time learning about my own sexual needs (Emily nagoski is proving super helpful) while effectively single so that next time I'm in a healthy R space I can ACT ON IT. Time to stop waiting for life to happen to me, and time to speak up for what I want.

Yail please know that I wasn’t insinuating that you didn’t know your worth. You probably know that but I want to make sure I clarify that just in case.

I want to give you a big virtual hug right now. Hang in there, there are better days ahead. The good thing is that you realize that you weren’t living your best life prior to the S. You also realize that you wasn’t being actively sexual. Trust me, last year before my H affair, neither was I. We probably had sex once every couple of months, maybe longer. Of course that’s not an excuse for his affair, he made the choice to have an affair. I’m just saying that I’m sure it was tough for him. He wanted to be intimate with me and I constantly pushed him away. And when I did make myself available to him, there was nothing romantic about it. It was more of here, you happy now?!?

The point is you recognize these things now. As do I. However, there our things our spouses need to work on as well. We have to allow them the space and time to work on those things. It’s hard I know. When it comes to my H, I don’t think he really wants to leave. As I’ve said upthread, I think he really is confused. That said, he has issues only he can work through.

As weird as it sounds, I’m actually starting to feel grateful that this all happened. I mean it hurts and hurts like hell. But the thing I can say is this time around, I’m actually taking care of myself. I’m actually getting more focused on what I want for my life. I’m coming out of the “I must walk on egg shells so that my H won’t be unhappy”, and I’m focusing on my own happiness. I’ve been reading a lot and I can honestly say, I’m getting back to the strong person that I was when my husband met me. Maybe he’s seeing a glimpse of that and that’s why he’s so into me lately.

You’re doing the right thing Yail, GAL and continue to work towards bettering yourself. Hopefully your W will notice, if not, you’ll still be a better person in the end!