Finding the Balance and then Tipping the Scale

[Adam04]

Sandi, as always, I appreciate your responses. You're helping me navigate through my emotions on this roller coaster ride. Sometimes I would like to think I am in control of myself, that I am this great guy who has a handle on things when in truth, its a little scary that I don't. There are times when I know better, but I still feel a certain way and instead of balling it up inside, I come here to release, to let go. I'm learning to put it here and listen as you give advice and criticism to help prevent further mistakes in the future. I'm a work in progress when it comes to not being a repeat offender.

Can you paint a picture for me, in what type of actions would show your strength?

I'll try... You're question was in response to

I have to accept that this line of thinking is very destructive. So what if alll of it is true. How strong am I is the question.

I was saying that it's easy to get caught up in all the mess wondering who it is, how many, who all knew, that sort of thing, all the details.

How Strong am I and what does that mean? To Me, being strong is like being the rock, the lighthouse, someone with the fortitude to endure, someone who can forgive and accept.

Being strong in a time like this to me means being smart about it, being patient, being forgiving, and being accepting.

By being smart, I mean learning, learn the techniques, learn when to bite my tongue, when I should set boundaries and protect myself, also learning about myself and her, the WW...I'm on this journey to discover who this new me is; I've never been tested like this so I am not really sure what I will or will not do, I'd like to say I think I have an idea of who I am as a person. Actions are reading, coming here, communicating, being vulnerable, open, honest and be willing to listen and take advice. knowing when to implement the right actions at the right time. I need to also learn what got me here in the first place and work to better myself. I need to control my anger, play it smart, cool. There is a lot of discovery to be had.

By being patient, I need to learn how to refrain from being triggered/emotional and responding or reacting in an irrational way. I need to allow time to take its course, not push, not expect something for my efforts, I need to not let emotion cloud my judgement or logical thinking. I shouldn't let this affect my health, my work, my relationships with other people like my kids. I need to allow her to make her mistakes and be accountable for them. I need to detach and GAL. I need to allow myself and her to go on this journey and make our mistakes. Learn from it and keep going.

I want to forgive her, I want to love her unconditionally, to not control her. I don't want to play the blame game with her. I need to understand this is a process and not a band aid. I should know forgiveness is letting go, it doesn't change who she is. I can't change who she is.

I need to accept that I can not change her, only myself. I need to accept that no matter what I do or however long it takes, there is no guarantee she will come back to me. Being strong is being okay with this.

The other person? Are you referring to the OM? Why should you care if he's happy or not?

Was referring to W. I feel a certain way about predators/OM. I want W happy so why not throw in the towel and give her what she wants. When I say that, I'm going off emotion again.

What is your plan of action going forward?

Good question, read about making a list of action items with the kids for every time I spent doing something with them. Making sure to stay positive, being around, helping with homework, bathing, tucking in. Waking up, helping get rdy for school, playing games, spending quality time together, teaching, getting food or cooking, watching tv together, reading together, play basketball, not yelling, no arguing, maintaining structure and being a loving parent setting aside our situation and not exposing them to it. communicating, taking the time to talk to them, ask them questions. Listen. When my little one isn't feeling good, he comes to me, I hold him and ask what's wrong. He's always been able to tell me and we talk it out and he eventually feels better. Trying not to stray from what we've been doing before. When W and I talk about the kids, we are on same page. We have same values.

When W and I talk about other things, our values have shifted.

If finding out the truth makes no difference in your plan of action, then hiring a PI makes no sense

Yup, my plan is to use this 7 months to 180, work on me physically and emotionally. I want to take opportunities by living together to shut down the disrespect. I also want to show W how upbeat and outgoing I am by actually being upbeat and outgoing. I want to care less if she is with someone else, I want to detach successfully. I am doing as much LRT as I can. Going out when she's home, working out late. Giving her space, not following her or texting.

Well first of all, I don't suggest you wait until Christmas Day to demonstrate you've grown some b@lls (if that's what you are saying in this quote). What I see is someone who is finding excuses

lol, sorry that's not what it means, just means going all out. I've been distancing myself from her and calling off going with her to her family's for dinner, not replying back to statements via texts, haven't gone with her to a bday party on her side and didn't go to mass for her deceased brother or the family gathering afterwards. This Friday for Thanksgiving I plan to not go to dinner on her family's side.

I come home, help with the kids, and once they're good for bed, I get to the MBR and lock the door.

I'm inclined this Thanksgiving to eat with the family and my kids and once done, I might go visit a brother of mine in town. She can stay with her mom and sisters at the house.

For Christmas I should have added that they will have mass and go to visit the burial site and have a get together for the family. I don't plan to go to any of that. Only thing I plan to do is see what to get for the kids and if we are having lunch at our place. getting flowers for the mom would be going overboard.

Like many guys who have NGS, you seem to have trouble knowing how to stay balanced in some of these issues.

but it sounds more like this is an irritation to you and you want to make it a boundary.

So bottom line is it's the affair that is eating at you. I don't think you understand boundaries well enough yet. Maybe you need to read the thread on boundaries again. The purpose is not to control what she does

Yes, I do have problems and I hope you can help me point them out and resolve them. You are very right that I was irritated about the affair. Was ranting... I'm not afraid to keep putting everything out there so the earlier the better in helping me with the advice and your insight. There will be times when I'm posting how I feel but I know it goes against conventional wisdom. I don't mind being called out on it. Then there will be times my mind is in a haze.



After I ranted about the boundaries I typed this. I know its not about controlling her, its protecting my feelings, but it doesn't stop me from thinking those crazy thoughts or having those crazy feelings.

I feel like I am trying to do something just to do something. After putting it out here, typing it out, I feel better.