Feeling lost, scared and wanting to fix this. Pt 3

[Turbine]

Lets see. A few things have been brought up and I will try to address them as best I can.

Join another gym so to not cross paths with her. I can see that being far less distracting and not in her face. The one she goes to has a hot tub and swimming pool. We go to the Philippines and what does she wear? A one piece. At the gym... a bikini. How is that even close to being less than a are you kidding? Yeah so not happy with that thought.

Not the point of going I know an doing so would be snooping. She is my wife. Whiskey Tango...
Yeah let it go...

Checked into archery equipment at Cabela's. Not cheap. More digging there.

Stuff and things I have done.

Tattoo. Obtained when I visited oldest D and artwork by her BF. Star Trek Delta. My choice and the surprise value was a bonus.

Trip to see oldest D and granddaughters. W said to do stuff. Was upset I went it seems. accused me of going with someone. Solo trip. Got to see youngest at just under 4 months. W still has only seen pictures to my knowledge. Her loss.

Returning to church. Okay, panic move in response to BD. W had hounded me for years to return. Now (understandably) upset that I am. I have discussed with the minister my reasons for this. Emphasized the desire to not be a stunt. Reinforced the feeling this is the right thing when I visited my parents graves and her parents. All four are buried adjacent to each other. Long term marriages for both of them, parents and grandparents. Over 40 for Grandparents and over 50 for parents. Was expecting my own to last. Forever should be forever.

Lots of reflecting and self blame. Yup, got that covered. In spades. Am I totally at fault and she is blameless? No. How much is my fault? Probably not as much as I assume not as much as she thinks I am at fault for.

Generally I am an optimistic realist. Pragmatic if you will. Half full, half empty... need a new glass... Right now I would like the glass to be full. Held by both of us and tended to with care.

Exercise. Again W complained about this. So am I doing this for her or me? Both. My Dad had a bad heart and my kids are wanting me to avoid that. So they are cheering me on in my effort to be in better shape. They have noticed. I am feeling better and the extra muscle mass and strength are nice. Besides the better my chest looks the better my tattoo does as well. Nobody wants to see a saggy Star Trek Delta. FYI it is placed as it would be on the tunic. Am I close to where I want to be? No. Am I hoping she notices? Of course. If she does and we get back to being us, great and I won't stop. She does and it still doesn't matter? Well then having lots of women after my Norse God Bod would be okay. Besides feeling better about myself is the goal. The muscle ache means I am making progress. The Marines have a saying that pain is weakness leaving the body. Good for self confidence too.

More to do? Of course. Not just the Sunday afternoon or bi-weekly stuff either. Other and new interests. Maybe another job or something. Part time? Maybe. Completely new? Who knows.

Not looking at new lady friends or even entertaining the idea. As so astutely noted there is some death grip holding on by your's truly. Still reading Gordie's stuff. Saved the one about fear. A link I believe. Have to read that.

About that subject... fear... I don't know what my irrational fear is. You know, the one where you loose it. Like the stereotype of women and mice. I know my W's fear. I am uncomfortable about more than a few things. Heights, although its the fall more than the height, and confined spaces are things I avoid. I don't mind alone time but to be honest, there is a difference to alone time and not having someone there. This S in house leading to D has me really messed up.

Still trying to figure this out. More later...