I am grieving...not so much what was but more so what could have been...if I had only figured things out sooner...if I had made an effort...if he had...if we had talked instead of burying our heads in the sand...if...there are a thousand ways to finish that sentence. I know it does me no good to go down that road but I find myself doing it anyway.
DV, I totally understand that mindset. It's something that I have struggled with for decades (3) and it was after BD that I decided to stop thinking about what was and focus on what I can and will be. I am learning from my mistakes. What started as a goal of saving my MR has now turned into a journey of rescuing myself, self-discovery, and a changing mindset. I have let go of what was, including my MR. The lack of respect a month ago was the final straw. The final FU from her. I dropped it completely after that. I rarely initiate conversations with her. I rarely call her. I really do not want to spend any tangible time with her. She has not earned me.
Originally Posted by DejaVu6
This is a lot for one person to handle and also to keep up a brave front for our kids who really need us to be strong. Mine have told me numerous times since they got back from H's last night that they missed me terribly and are constantly checking in to make sure I am alright. Da*n, they are intuitive little creatures.
D4 is like that. She has been comforting me a lot more these days. She does not know the full scope of what is going on, but she does know that daddy is hurting. She gives me hugs and tell me things like "You are a good daddy. You are not a bad daddy. I love you daddy." I need that. It gives me a good feeling that I am doing something right. She knows who I am and who I can be.
Originally Posted by DejaVu6
Anyway...just wanted to drop by to give you some support. I KNOW how hard this is. You are doing well. OM is a symptom and CANNOT replace you in your D's mind and heart. He is not a permanent addition to your lives. Drop the rope and it will die a natural death. Increase the pressure and you will only push them toward one another. Sending you long distance (((HUGS))) and all the positive energy I can muster. Wish it was more.
Thank you. I am doing my best and I'm seeing results daily. The growth has been very painful and I wonder if I have more growing up to do. If I do, how much more pain will I need to endure?
My motivation now is to be AMOAFWL. I want to show W that I am amazing. That she messed up. That she lost me and if she has thoughts of being back together she is going to have to work her cheating ass off for me. I deserve the best. And I will not settle. I have settled for too long.
