Quick recap: Together for 13 years. Married for 11. H is 45. I am 50. We have B/G twins who are turning 11 in December. I've had two BDs... once in 2014 which resulted in six months of exploration for my H but he eventually returned and declared himself better and in love with me again. Two months later, he contracted Shingles and later chronic pain which led to treatments in-hospital. These eventually ended but H decided to carry on as if they were still going on and used it as way to abandon all responsibilities that come with a wife and kids and home ownership. Two years later...we move to another city and he is home for eight months and appears to be happy and adjusting to his new surroundings. March 2018...behaviours start all over again. Claims to have to go for more nightly overnight treatments. Sells his car he has been restoring in May and uses the money to secretly rent a house near his work. Covertly starts moving things there while still pretending to be home but pulled away every night for chronic pain treatments. September 2018...H gets outed by suspicious BIL who figured out where he was going every night. What follows is lots of back and forth behaviour. Some self-reflection, but not enough. Shame, guilt...I want to come home, no I do not, etc.. until I have had enough and just tell him to go to sort his head out. Two months later...H says he is done. Wants me to give up on him and on us. Is satisfied just to be a part-time parent and walk away from everything we have built. Is not happy and feels he won't ever be happy married to me.
So that's the gist of my crazy story... four years into one paragraph. Still really embarrassed that I was so blindly trusting of him for so long because in addition to being ridiculously naïve when it comes to having faith in the people I love, I'm also pretty intelligent and a reasonably strong individual (although this sitch is testing that strength to the max). Currently I am working on dropping the rope and bettering myself as a person and as a parent. I have been fired from my role as wife so for now I just work on my 180s and my GAL activities. I have realized during this crisis that I have been centering my life around supporting my H and his "illness" and so have neglected my own needs for a very long time and put myself last. It is still in my nature to do so but I am working on it. I am also working on detaching without having to develop a dislike for my H which isn't that tough as he still has many of the qualities that drew me to him in the first place even though they are hard to see right now.
Question from my last thread... I am wondering if I should be taking my wedding ring off. It is the one thing I have really been resisting even though my H would be happy if I did. I think, for him, it would be a sign that I have given up on him and a green light to speed ahead towards D full throttle. I have significant internal conflict over sending out that kind of message..
