Rough evening, but I still forced myself to go out and have an evening in which I did not wallow in my grief.
I went into the city to pick up a dress vest (part of my self-improvement process is dressing more like a man) from a Men's Warehouse. On the way, I had my call with the NGS support group. There was someone new to the group, so we introduced ourselves. The first two told them about their sitches and how they are using the help from the support group to have a better relationship with their W, sexually, emotionally, mentally, etc. Obviously when it was my turn I said that having NGS contributed towards the end of my MR and the immense pain and grief that I'm going through is something that I want to learn from so that I never go through this again. Counselor likened it to a death that I need time to get over and grieve. I agreed, but thought "How much time is enough?" I somehow kept it together, but it still hurt.
I got to the city, picked up my vest and started coat shopping. I looked at myself in the mirror and I saw myself as a more attractive person. I see the improvements. I feel the improvements.
Drove to gym afterwards and lifted for almost an hour and a half. Same workout but went longer for some reason. Drove to the store and bought groceries then decided on sushi for dinner.
On my way home, I started tearing up again. The trigger this time was D4 telling me how excited she was to go to OM's house to decorate his X-mas tree. I pulled over and just...let it out. Cursed, cried, pleaded for forgiveness and mercy, pretty much every intense emotion was expressed. I then just rested my head on the steering wheel and just cycled through all of the events the last 11 months. The gaslighting. The lying. The blame.
I recall W telling me that she forgave me (about a month ago when I truly started letting go). I have not forgiven her yet because I feel she is still wronging me. She can put a spin on it and give me a bullshit reason of us being S, but I never agreed to dating. Never. So in my mind, she is still cheating.
Drove my way home. Went inside and W came out immediately and asked if I was ok. I said yes. She said normally I was not out this late. I just said that I had stuff to do. She asked for my vest to put away. I handed it to her and went about cleaning the kitchen. Showered, prayed, and fell asleep afterwards.
Dreading thanksgiving plans. W, D4, and I are going to her friend's place for brunch...in one car. I have avoided spending longer than 5 minutes with W for the past month or so, so the drive out (30 minute drive one way) will be interesting.
When I was younger, I always hated the holidays. I hated being alone and not celebrating what is supposed to be a happy season for many. 10 years later, I'm hating it again. Starting at Thanksgiving, the following events are going to occur in the next three months:
-Xmas -W's birthday -Anniversary -My birthday -Valentine's day -D4's birthday
It's a gauntlet of FU's. Yeah...I know I need to not let it get to me, but this will be the first time since BD that I will have to deal with all of this in a totally different manner.
I keep her words of "getting through this together" and "W needing to vent/talk to me because I'm stable enough" in my mind. I don't know what that entails. Frankly, I am not expecting anything...well, I'm not expecting anything GOOD.
