Gosh FS... that is such a hard question to answer. I realized that I had been pretty shut down for those years. I had a lot of stress in my life... work was stressful, I was spending a lot of time in my car, I was just surviving really. When my H was around, we got along well but the connection between us was lacking. We were ships passing in the night. I missed him intensely but at some point, I just went into survival mode and shut that part of me down. I worried about him a lot. I knew there was something really wrong with him... I just thought it was mostly about his chronic physical pain and not his chronic mental pain. I asked him last night if he is happier and he said that sometimes he is. Is that really happiness or is it just relief from all the responsibility that he had grown to resent so much?
So it is apparent to me that the H I loved so much and worried about for all those years is GONE. Sometimes when I look into his eyes, I see him briefly and he looks at me warmly. But it is fleeting and usually replaced by a look of cold determination. He wants this part of his life to be over. It bothers him that I do not. He told me last night that I make him question his beliefs and values. I told him he has yet to be able to tell me what those are. He is upset with me for loving him. It would be easier if I hated him. I could get to that place if I really let myself but there is no good in that. It is just a different side of the same coin. Detachment is the goal. I will continue to strive for that.
