Thanks FS. It is 3:42 a.m. My body fell asleep for awhile but my mind has not shut off as I woke up at 3:00 and have pretty much given up on sleeping. Ugh...why couldn’t we have had this conversation on a Friday instead of a Sunday? I keep telling myself that nothing has really changed. He has just made audible what was previously unspoken...at least between him and I. Still, it feels different. My H has completely shut down his heart when it comes to me. He feels guilty and “sorry”but that’s it. I told him to stop saying that word because it means nothing to me. That’s like stabbing someone and leaving them lying on the ground bleeding and saying...”Oops didn’t mean to. It just happened.” Nope, not interested in his sorry’s. Those words are meaningless.
My H can definitely see the cloud. Unfortunately, he still thinks it has my face on it...that the feelings he has for me, or lack thereof, are what is holding him back from the life he wants and from being the person he wants to be. He has hope, just none for us as a couple. He wants to become H 2.0 - a good 25% dad, nothing else. But, as Bonnie Raitt sang so ironically in the background last night... I can’t make him love me. I have to accept that and move on somehow. I realized this morning that I can actually go weeks without seeing him. If I stay in my room when he picks up our D and he picks the kids up for his weekends after work, I really do not have to see him at all. That realization is comforting and scary all at the same time. The truth is that I miss my friend but I cannot continue to be his friend. Not right now when it hurts like this. Whenever I see him and things are “normal”, it just gives me too much hope and I fear I would be setting myself up for a big fall in the end. So I feel like I have to treat this more like an addiction, quit feeding it with false hope and go as dark as possible. Maybe I’ll feel differently in a few weeks once I’ve gained some perspective. I don’t know.
