Introduction

[TJT]

A little bit of journaling...

Overall my week went better than I thought. It was my first work trip since this has all been happening, and I'm sure part of it was simply the relief that I didn't have to worry about what was going on back home. I was apprehensive about whether I would miss the text messages from H checking in on me or vice versa, but I was so busy it actually wasn't really a thing for me. I thought about it a few times but it didn't make me terribly sad.

That being said, I think that is also a testament to the depth of our interactions when I was away previously (or lackthereof) - we almost never talked live on the phone when I was away, only text (this was the case ever since I had known him, just not his style and it was this way with others in his life too) and only one time did he call and surprise me, after which I told him how much it made my day (multiple times) only for it to never happen again. *shrug*.

I did catch a cold or sinus infection or something while gone. I've been dreading this moment too because it's like oh hey, nobody around to take care of me but me now! Thank goodness for grocery delivery these days I guess...

I will say the past few days since I've been back, to coincide with my re-circling of frustration mentioned earlier, I've started to get that "itch" to contact him. Don't worry! I haven't done it! But I'm just having those feelings like I really want to talk to him and tell him how I feel, let him know I still love him, etc. Worried about if there would be a doubt in his mind how I feel, you know...OR even just ask how he's doing, somehow drum up some interest or feelings...OR little things I could do to insert a level of doubt into his thinking, or even into OWs (for example, maybe if I text him asking for more things on a regular basis, she will get jealous and start questioning - and maybe start busting his chops more and then things spiral downward, blah blah fantasy ended).

I definitely, definitely know this is all my mind just freaking out (but you can't deny there is some logic in the thinking, right?!) I am continuing to work on detaching and I actually do feel like I've been getting better at that, but this seems to be a "wave" happening to me right now where the feelings of not wanting to let go and accept what he's chosen are raining down on me again. Maybe it will pass more quickly than in the past... I guess that could be considered progress vs. expecting the thoughts to never happen again.

And the closer our anniversary gets, the more I will get a little weird in my head, obviously. It's just gonna be one of those milestones that I never wanted to have, having an anniversary pass that doesn't mean anything anymore... This really is the one thing that I've seriously considered saying something to my H about, in terms of something like sending him the wedding letter I wrote him or something. No big "rah-rah" but just something that says it's still a big day to me and means something to me and blah blah. But I know all advice is likely going to point to not doing that, it just feels so wrong not to. I will be happy when this "first" of not celebrating my anniversary is over (I assume it gets easier after that).

Also continuing to tell myself that just because we're not celebrating it doesn't make it any less true... we're still married, and until we're divorced the clock will continue to tick! As outrageous and unlikely as it seems, I admit that not thinking about everything as being so finite has helped me deal with it better. And hopefully as that's getting me by, I will gradually grow stronger to where I will be fine with it even if it is. I guess it's been about 6 months now since BD and 2 since we've been NC. While it feels like this has been going on forever, especially if I count the distancing that was occurring many months before BD, I know there's still a lot more time that needs to pass before I will be free of some of my thought patterns and yearning and grief. I am acutely aware and consider of myself being in these stages, while also seeing some of the progress I'm making, but still waiting to feel genuinely happy and whole again...that day cannot come fast enough.