Introduction

[TJT]

I thought I had learned EVERYTHING I needed to know about having a successful marriage but apparently I did not. I was 32 and met my H when I was 37. Sparks flew, we were inseparable from almost the second we met. I loved him with all my heart and still do. Trying to figure out a way to let him go without losing that love. He makes it very, very hard.

Ugh... I am so sorry this has happened to you. It makes me even more terrified of the future and the possibility that even if I meet someone new, it could end just as badly! It also makes me that much more frustrated that our SOs seem to be taking a walk in the park with the OWs/OMs... or at the very least, that the prospect of things not working out somehow doesn't terrify them too!

Over the past few days that frustration has been getting to me again. I'm not thinking about it all the time, but I'm definitely circling back to those feeling of "if only he would just do X..."

@Acc, I know there are absolutely things that I need to work on doing better just to be a better person, regardless of whether he's here or not. With respect to 180s, though, maybe I'm getting confused but I thought those were more situational changes (that, of course, should be sustained once you find something that works in the same cycles of interaction). But to be differentiated from those things that we need to change as a core person, with or without our SO..

What I'm saying is that I feel, and have felt for some time, that even when I change my behavior, there is no change on his side. This DID NOT mean I stopped, to be clear. And later on, he would admit that he noticed my changes, and appreciated them, but it would not be something I would have known from HIS behavior...in other words, it seems he did like certain changes but for some reason it simply wasn't enough, for lack of any other way to explain it.

I suppose you could argue that I could try changing again to see what would result in more than just appreciation, but to me this all honestly points to my H being completely distracted/uninvested, and that's why no matter what I would do, it never made a difference (and in some cases, there's only so much one can try). As I read DB there are some things that I tried doing (without knowing they were part of DBing). This is also what led me to actually letting more things go and being more passive about certain issues, because I recognized that maybe the simple act of "doing" things was putting pressure.

Recounting all of this is definitely bringing up some anger in me. I felt/feel damned if I do, damned if I don't, in that I am willing to continue making any changes and figuring out what works with him, but I honestly have had pretty much nothing to work with. I feel like our entire marriage could be saved if he could make ONE small change on his part to simply OPEN UP, RECEIVE, ACKNOWLEDGE... even if that leads to me doing 50 more on mine...but because he won't, or doesn't want to, or whatever, he is choosing another way that he thinks will be "easier".

And I'm not saying that any change, no matter how small, should just be super easy for him, but compared to having to start over with someone completely new and putting your faith in thinking that it won't happen with them? It seems extremely short-sighted, to say the least! And I know this is not my problem, but I also know it can be "fixed", and thirdly know that it's not my job to do the fixing! That cycle is like water torture, such a simple yet deeply maddening problem.

But in any case, back to the point - specifically what I'm trying to say at this particular moment in my sitch is that this is the first time we've ever been NC. I don't know what "more of the same" IS in this case because we've never done this before! So that's what I mean when I say I'm trying to predict what his expectation of me would be in this case, based off what he knows about me, so that I can adjust appropriately.

For example, I recognized early on that he was starting to pull away and text me less, etc. So that's when I stopped reaching out to him about anything unless absolutely needed, thinking that was the 180. (And this is a good example for why I thought this was different than the "permanent" changes, Acc - because say if we were to get back together, I assume me texting only when I absolutely need him would not be something I'd want to sustain in the happy relationship!)

But NOW, based on other things he had said to me in the past, I'm wondering if he really WANTS me to continue reaching out (not necessarily chasing, of course) to make him feel needed, you know? Because the more I don't contact him and just keep living my life, the more I can see I am playing into his narrative of me not "needing" him (which in his mind seems to translate into not being the provider or "man" he wants to be in a relationship).

If I had to choose between the former option (pulling back) and the latter (making him feel needed), I would honestly say the latter is what he would not expect of me, and thus is something I'd love to work on doing. However, in a situation like mine where he's moved out and may be actively with OW, I'm a little confused on whether that's an option anymore, or if NC is the ONLY option at this point??

For the record, he did transfer the money we discussed to cover his insurance last week... I wanted to say "thanks" or "I appreciate it", or whatever, but I didn't. And again, on one hand it's like, this is his obligation...so I don't want to minimize myself or make it seem like he's doing me favors when this is just his responsibility. But on the other hand, yeah, I'm appreciative he's not just skipping out on things. Ugh, I just hate this and how every little thing is now a thing!

Anyway, Acc, thanks for sharing your initial feelings on being divorced and the reality of how people seem to react. I would agree, after my last week away from home doing work things, that this seemed to be the case and most of it is in my head (although, I did have someone a bit older than me refer to me as "kid", which I feel would be less likely to happen if I was wearing a ring on my finger since it sort of automatically puts you in a certain minimum age perception).