Firstly, I did my stop smoking course today. So far, so good, but it is only day 1. I am crossing my fingers that it sticks. No-one knows I have done the course other than those here who take the time to read my journal as I don't really want anyone putting anymore doubts in my head then there already are.
I had to tell H I was on a photography course as I was scheduled to have the children today and needed to swap. Unfortunately, there was massive delays on the train which mean I was an hour late home ... and he had to change his plans for the evening ... oh well. I was suitably not sorry when I finally came home this evening.
I got the usual passive aggressive sh!t which I ignored.
H told me D12's netball coach had had a word with him about her not being the same player she was last year. She is not integrating with the team and seems disinterested. Her coach asked H if there was anything wrong. H told her we had separated. Apparently D12 was not happy that he had told her coach. I said something along the lines of "She had to be told eventually". He then said that he thinks we should put D12 into therapy (I agreed). And then he said I should sort it out and I said "No". Then it took a massive turn for the worst. He called me "emotionally detached even from my own children" and "selfish" and then accused me of having a "screw lose because [my] childhood was messed up". I said "I am not the selfish one, yes she can do with counselling, but I will not sort it out". He kept saying "What's wrong with you? How can you be so selfish and unemotional?", oh and this is the kicker "when she grows up I will tell her about this!".
I want to be clear. I love my children very much and I am not emotionally detached from them. I do however GAL without them so it may appear I am not around as much.t When he is over with the girls, I purposely make myself scarce saying things like "I will be upstairs whilst you visit with the girls" or "As you are here, I am going to pop out for an hour", when we are all in the same room I don't go out of my way to make too much conversation, so I guess to him that is me being emotionally detached.
So, a good day (stopped smoking) and a bad day (got accused of being selfish and having a screw lose).
I want to send him a text and say "FU for using my childhood against me and saying I don't care about my kids". But I won't. I won't let him get the better of me. I think there was more going on then my saying no to organizing counselling - I think he feels me pulling away and he does not like it. I guess that means I am on the right track ... where this particular track is going for I am not sure.
