Advice for newcomer pre- bomb drop.

[sandi2]

It passed quickly & it didn't crush me like it would have 2 weeks ago.

Good! Although you may not see much evidence of any progress toward reconciliation......there has been progress made in you.

I know for a fact that she is not ready to be truthful with me, so why bother asking any questions.

I have to agree with you. Why waste your breath, if she's not going to be truthful?

I'm going to keep plugging along trying to have a MR

My question is why would a man keeping plugging along trying to have a MR while his W is trying to have a relationship with another man? I know that you said you didn't think they were in a PA, currently. It doesn't mean she wouldn't like to be in a PA. The fact that she is still working with him, speaks volumes. Don't get me wrong here, b/c I'm not telling you to run out and get a divorce, rather than try to save your MR. I'm trying to see how you look at this picture.

If your WW makes not attempt to find another job, then you may need to consider taking a different approach. Once the WW has been confronted about her affair, there should be a clear understanding that things will not remain the same. In other words, there will either be a full reconciliation or a physical separation/divorce...…..but you aren't going to play house with her while she continues making goo-goo eyes at OM.

Have you given her any stipulations about reconciling? For example, have you told her that you will not reconcile if she continues working with the OM? It's simply unacceptable. Until she stops working with him, you are wasting time and precious energy, cause nothing will work until she ends all type of contact with him. This is when you have to stand very firm on your principles/values. Don't compromise with a cheater. How incredible inconsiderate to her husband, for an unfaithful W to continue working with her lover. Talk about rubbing it in your face!

That our family insurance is through her work was what had me hung up. That will be a major hurdle for our family.

Is there someone in the family that has an ongoing physical health issue? Have you researched other insurance companies? It may come down to choosing between insurance and marriage.

She has said that she is worried that if she quits her job and we end up not being able to make it work, she'd be out on the streets with nothing.

In true WW form, she shows no concern for your feelings, or even the insurance issue. She's only concerned about herself.

She's convinced that this modest paying job is going to allow her to live the lifestyle she's been accustomed to. She's just not aware of how much it costs to run a household. We are doing OK, but if you split our income and have to pay for two of everything, life will definitely be different.

It's all part of her fantasy. WW's are not very realistic.

Next time she initiates a "talk" I plan to let her know about a few of my boundaries and that should clear up any ideas about rug sweeping this mess

Just for the record, you don't have to wait for her to initiate a talk before you set boundaries. In fact, stating your boundary is not an introduction for discussion. She has a choice to honor it or dishonor it. But if she dishonors it, you need to know what action you will then take.

I'll give an example. Let's say you state the following boundary: "I will not stay in a relationship where my wife works with her current or previous affair partner". You aren't telling her what she can or cannot do. She can make her own choice. If she does nothing, and continues working with OM, then you have to back up your word and physically separate (maybe even divorce). Currently, she doesn't believe you have the b@lls to do it, and just plugging along trying to have a relationship with her......isn't likely to change her mind.

What other boundaries are you considering? I am concerned that you really just want to talk about it, and you may even think telling her something is your boundary will settle things. It doesn't. And, boundaries are not confronting the WW. The WW is going to test you to see what you'll do when she doesn't honor your boundary. The stronger the consequences, the more effective the boundary. You don't have to "discuss" the consequences or anything else. Just state the boundary, and know what you are going to do to back it up......b/c she's going to try you. And listen, if you can't back it up, it's better if you never open your mouth. To state a boundary and then do nothing if it's disrespected...….is like serving your b@lls on a silver platter to her. You have to carry through with some type of effective action. By effective......I don't mean you simply ignore her. That's a classic nice guy move, to just ignore the WW.

Come here, first, to discuss your boundaries and how you'll enforce them. We can help you fine tune them. One word of caution while I'm thinking about it...….don't start walking around the house crowing about a bunch of things suddenly becoming your boundaries. I've seen some newbies do it, and it is a dead give away to her that you've been reading some book...….and she'll just roll her eyes and not take it seriously.

My suggestion is that you don't give her a laundry list of boundaries, if you know what I mean. State one boundary. See how you do with that one, and maybe a little later you'll need to state another boundary.

Do you have any questions about boundaries?