Feeling lost, scared and wanting to fix this. Pt 3

[Turbine]

Keep detaching. Work actively to GAL and detach. You're caught up with her still, and you should be letting go.

Likely her laughing and making noise is to mess with you and she is not as well as she wants you to think, but who cares? Let her go through her journey and get out of her way. Focus your time and energy on something you can control.

I don't believe her making noise is to mess with me. W, BiL, MiL (when she lived with us) all are not quiet or considerate of others. By that I mean they don't try to be quiet when someone else is sleeping. If my wife was sleeping and I couldn't, I would leave our room until I was tired again. Tossing and turning bothered her. Returning to bed bothered her. Can't win.

I have been trying to be more accepting of all of this. Which doesn't mean liking it. I have to do this. I have to learn something from all of this right? Not just about what should have been done either. About what I need to do, W returning or not.

Absolutely. This is the path you should be following. What have you learned about yourself and your values? If you can figure that out it can point you in the right direction.

What I have learned is I am beating myself to death over this because there are parts I did have control over and I screwed up. I value HER. I value what we were and what we should be. I despise what I did. Yes I know it takes two. Well when she was, I wasn't. Now that I will, she won't. I believe at least for now.

So... with my sleep schedule being all over the map I nodded off on the couch yesterday afternoon (half day) after lunch, haircut, picking up a few things at the hardware store and paying a bill at city hall. Woke up when Ray called me. Going to help him later today with something easy. Then we are going for lunch. Getting a few things down from his attic and he wants an extra set of hands. He is mid 80's and is worried about not dropping stuff on the ladder and general stability. Not a problem. Glad to do it. I know I will miss him when he is gone. But not yet.

Off topic there... apologies.

Still was dozing when W got home. Her shutting the car door woke me again. I hadn't turned on the outside lights so I did that and since she was at the door I unlocked it too. Yes, she had her keys and is capable of unlocking the door. Just seemed like a jerk move to not unlock the door. Which she did say thanks for. Unless my mind is playing tricks on me about that. I hope not. I don't think so though.

Fixed supper, she left. I showered and got ready for bed after dishes. She returned. I had been not terribly well detached at that particular instance fyi.

She didn't leave and was here, in her room all night.

I had taken Melatonin two nights ago and slept better (longer). Skipped the next night, not so well. Took one last night and slept better/longer. So I guess that will help me on that front. To be reported to my Dr.

This morning watched an episode of Hawaii Five 0 (S4, E17 specifically). Usual show stuff... not the problem. The multi episode side story arc with Det. Danny Williams and his parent's divorce... yeah... not so much. Big problem actually.

SO NOT DETACHED...

Story arc has Mom being a WAW and Danny and his sisters recreate the parents "first date" and have Dad with all the stuff needed flown in. (I know not very realistic. Bear with me because I need this. Thank you in advance)
Mom had filed. Felt unloved, unappreciated, ready for them to "fall in love" again because that was what she was expecting. He (Dad) had just retired from the Fire Department and also felt no longer needed. Not realizing what his wife was expecting or needing. (overly condensed for TV but fits the "myth").

So after treating Mom to a day spa, she comes home (unknowingly) to the recreated "first date", complete with the stubborn expert (husband). Yes, happy ending, bended knee apology, heart wrenching forgiveness.

Yeah, cried about that. Cried because it seems the only person willing to fight or try right now is Turbine. Yes, the kids say they will support me in my choice. Not exactly cheering for the MR 2.0 though. Cheering for Turbine 2.0 though. Cried again about that. Into my pillow since I know how thin the walls are and if I can hear her then she can hear me. Be strong and not show any of this is getting to you right? Doesn't that come across as cold and uncaring? I can see the other side as being seen as weak. Put on the brave face, etc...

So... GAL... yeah working on that. Maybe look into archery.

maybe I should have been Tinman because she ripped my heart out. I want her to be happy. Always have. I need me to be happy though too. Right now... just not seeing away out of this forest.

Feel a tiny bit better after writing all that. I know there is more inside that will be let out. Part of the healing I will need I guess.