Advice for newcomer pre- bomb drop.

[Bern19]

Sandi, that was the first thing that came to mind. She was all talk about R for 3 or 4 days until she went to work Monday morning. By Monday night, she was cold and distant. Wouldn't even look at me when I got home. Was pretty obvious to me that something had happened. At first I was upset and it probably showed. I had a rough day at work and then came home to that. It passed quickly & it didn't crush me like it would have 2 weeks ago. I just need to keep doing my thing. I know for a fact that she is not ready to be truthful with me, so why bother asking any questions.

I'm going to keep plugging along trying to have a MR, but for the first time, I'm thinking that this will probably end in D as I don't believe she will quit her job. I don't believe I can ever R while they still work together. That our family insurance is through her work was what had me hung up. That will be a major hurdle for our family. She has said that she is worried that if she quits her job and we end up not being able to make it work, she'd be out on the streets with nothing. She's convinced that this modest paying job is going to allow her to live the lifestyle she's been accustomed to. She's just not aware of how much it costs to run a household. We are doing OK, but if you split our income and have to pay for two of everything, life will definitely be different. Her shopping habit will take a huge hit, that's for certain.

I'm going to keep working on detaching. I'm getting better at it, but still have a way to go. Giving up all the spying a couple weeks ago was hard at first, but now I can see how it was keeping me stuck on her. Letting that go was a huge step for me to start the process of letting her go. I think at this point she's hoping that this will all settle down and things can go back to "normal". She doesn't yet realize that isn't an option that will work for me. Next time she initiates a "talk" I plan to let her know about a few of my boundaries and that should clear up any ideas about rug sweeping this mess.