I've found the DB approach to really resonate with me and I'm working hard to stop my pursuing behaviors. The questions I have right now are:
1) I'm working on not texting/emailing/calling her during the day, but we have 2 youngish kids and I am frequently needing to make contact about kid logistics. Does this still come off as pursuing? How do I get around this?
2)I'm not going to say "i love you" again, but she said it to me the other night (after an awkward semi-date that was tense and awkward because I was not in my right mind) and I didn't respond- but now panicky that I did the wrong thing by not reciprocating?
Background: married 11 years, 2 kids. In CC 4 years ever since she came forward saying she was "disconnected" from me, which turned into confessing to an EA, which, 3 weeks ago she admitted was a PA (claims they had sex only once and has had only professional contact since then. I made her send an email to AP saying she wants no contact which she quickly agreed to) It's very confusing for me becuase she shows up to therapy (we've been in it 4 years!!!) but has been lying/deceiving/distancing the whole time. Help is much appreciated.
1. If you don't want to come off as pursuing, make sure you are not pursuing. It's all in your attitude and tone. Well, words matter too but you, I, and everyone knows what is pursuit. Just don't lie to yourself. It's easy to do when you're going through something like this.
2. If she says ILY (I love you), you can say it back. Just don't beg and plead and say ILY.
"Professional contact" means not getting involved in EA's and PA's. It's past that IMO. Lying to the therapist is normal, almost expected at first. How long have you been doing therapy/marriage conuseling?
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
