Feeling lost, scared and wanting to fix this. Pt 3

[Turbine]

So... lets see... snowed today, just not enough to do more than tease everyone about winter. I don't mind winter. Mom loved winter. So snowfalls remind me of her slightly more than any other memory.

Work is a little whacked atm with lots of stuff all due at once. Not just a quick test either... ahhh job security. Got a little OT today because of that. Normally I would have let my W know. Didn't though. Sort of feel bad about it, although she doesn't share her activities with me. Sad here. I still want the MR, ver 2.0 of course.

Reading through some of the Gordie threads. I've said it before, Lots of solid information there. Based on the comments I am not sure whether to feel lucky or not with the W doing an in house S. A bedroom wall doesn't block sounds she makes. Moving around, laughing on the phone, whatever. More sad. I love her laugh. Wish I were the reason for it and not the tears. Which she seems to have gotten over long ago. Sad again. Yeah I kick myself over this still. At this point though... all in God's hands, according to His plan.

Speaking of God, I have been praying far more than I did before BD. Returning to church, striving for peace in my mind, heart and soul. There was a few posts in the threads that touched on God and answering prayers. I am praying to be reconciled with W (not surprising right) and wondering about the selfishness of that. I admit it crosses my mind often. I have been trying to be more accepting of all of this. Which doesn't mean liking it. I have to do this. I have to learn something from all of this right? Not just about what should have been done either. About what I need to do, W returning or not.

So I am working out enough that the muscles are pleasantly sore. Does that even make sense? I can feel a difference in the targeted muscles so I am accomplishing one of my goals.

I had a load of towels to wash up today. Since I worked late I didn't expect them to already been washed and in the dryer. Not sure what or if it means diddly. Whatever. The towels got washed. There were a pile of dishes in the sink and a full rack of dried dishes. So I put away the dry stuff and washed the stuff in the sink. Yes W saw me do it. She didn't ask me too and I am not expecting anything from it (I hope). Okay maybe just the fact she saw me do it. Does that even count? Far too much of this is shades of gray. I am so not feeling any sort of skill mastery or understanding here.

Am I self inflicting here with the 2x4s? Apologies for the rambling nature of my writing. My buddy in CA from my Navy days gets this live during phone calls. I don't mean about this. I mean in conversations in general. Anything and everything is fair game. I think they are screening their calls. Sort of like " Oh no! It's Turbine! I answered last time, its your turn now."