AS, was the conversation we just had a major temp check that I failed? I mean I saw some signs and tried not to take the bait, but obviously I have more work to do.
Not at all. A lot of LBS's think every little thing is a success or failure, but it's not really the case. It took a long time to end up where you are and it takes a long time to turn it around. Think of a huge ship, if it wants to go the opposite direction that turn could take a significant amount of time. There may be little waves or big waves that bump the ship during the turn, but you've just got to hold that wheel over and be patient.
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BD is the equivalent of the beginning of a deep wound.
Well that's a gross analogy, but it's not off the mark
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I was told repeatedly by IC that W is not a "bitch" and the pain she is causing is not because she is malicious or evil, even if it feels that way.
True. Sometimes that's hard to accept, but WAS's are almost always going through some terrible internal struggles and really wrestle with themselves over what they are doing. They are already beating themselves up, so if we try to convince them they are wrong and selfish we're just making it worse and making ourselves a target. But if we treat them with respect and LOVINGLY detach, then they have no choice but to continue wrestling with those internal demons instead of us. That's what DB'ing is.
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What actions she will demonstrate if she is truly remorseful? I will not trust her if she says "sorry" or "Can we start on being us again?" or any other variant (trust nothing she says).
Some pretty much beg and plead to come back. Others warm back up slowly. But in all cases they will let you know. I have NEVER ONCE heard of someone asking their WAS if they had changed their mind and had the WAS said "you know what, I have, I didn't know if I should say something because you seemed so done, but let's give it a try." That NEVER happens. What does happen is the WAS will INITIATE that convo. THAT is when you know.