A few words of advice from personal experience as well as suggestions made here as well.
- Do not tell relatives, friends or spouse of AP about your problems. I fell into that trap and it does nothing but divert energies from your main goal which is the relationship. Do not even focus on OM. He is a distraction.
- To temp check the effect your situation has on the kids is complicated. Emotional outbursts or public displays of pain or sadness are like the tip of the iceberg. Kids are great at hiding emotions especially if they feel it affects the fragile relationship you have with your wife right now. I do not see them telling you they cannot take it anymore and that you both should separate. I am more inclined that that they will break inside before they reach that situation. Especially if you maintain a cordial and cold atmosphere where you just get along.
- The fact you have chosen an IHS means your chances of making it through this have dropped. The time span that something favourable will happen has increased. IMHO the biggest problem with IHS is that given the right ingredients your relationship reaches a stalemate. Her A may fizzle out she may adjust her actions towards you and your relationship may be more sustainable. She however (unless you did a great job on yourself) is still on the prowl. I found that these types of relationships turn into convenience relationships and peak out as friendly.
- One final point and it really is addressed more to you, stop "knowing". I personally see this in relationships, even "healthy" ones. I did it at the beginning of my situation and and have it done to me. Unless there is 100% proof of something we do not "know" where the spouse will be, will do or thinks. If you have ever done your share of snooping you will have had hits and misses. I sometimes "knew" she was going to meet OM when she said she was going to "B" and after checking up I was wrong. So stop "knowing" and even if you are right, so what. It is common knowledge she is having an affair and to have an affair, at least a physical one they must spend physical time together so don't fret everytime she walks out the door where she will go. Own it and work on yourself and your kids.
- About kids, much like when flying and they go over the pressure loss drill. You put your mask on yourself first and then you kids. Here is the same. To be there for your kids you need to take care of yourself first. So really learn the rules, principles and techniques and follow the advice.
I wish you well and hope you overcome your situation.
