Came home last night after picking D9 and S7 up from after school care. Walked in the house and W was making dinner, something that has not happened in years. I got the kids to sit down at the table and start the nightly homework regime and W jumped in and helped out. It was such a nice time, it was a brief moment our family was back. I was happy, the kids were happy, there was laughter and joy. I took it all in and really just appreciated the moment. Homework finished we enjoyed dinner together and sat down to a quiet evening with the kids in front of the fireplace reading some books. Getting close to bed time W stands up asks me to move my car so she can get hers out and leaves. My evening of bliss came crashing down. What started as such an amazing evening quickly turned into the new normal, me putting the kids to bed, trying to answer their questions as to where Mom is, D9 crying at the slightest thing that doesn't go smoothly (last night was getting the toothpaste out of the tube).
After the kids were asleep I went downstairs made a cup of tea and tried to do some reading. I couldn't do anything. I just sat there on the couch all night feeling everything that is going on. I didn't think my heart could break anymore. I thought is was shattered as much as it could be and now I could start putting it back together on my own but it keeps breaking more and more. I have no idea who this person is in front of me that I now call my roommate. We really were an amazing family and it just baffles me to see where things are at now. I maintain a lot of inner strength, I know I made mistakes but I don't deserve this. I know I will only grow from this and be a much better person when I come out the other side. The hard part is the kids. I have three of the most amazing kids imaginable and they of all people really do not deserve any of this. W isn't just a WAW or WW or whatever label you want to stick on it. First ond foremost she is a WAM, (walk away mom). This Alien that has taken taken over has taken her from being the most amazing mother I have seen, someone who wanted nothing more then a family a short time ago and did everything she could to be the best mom possible to the point now that I can't really say anything positive about it. Seeing what this is already doing to my kids and how much it is changing them is tearing me apart inside.
One positive last night is that I really just took it all in and really felt it and this morning I feel like I have taken a big step further in detaching. It really just sunk in that the marriage and family that i once cherished so much are gone. I value my W and my family more then anything in this life and will do everything in my power to hopefully one day find a way to make it work but for now this is reality.
