Dealing with a WW trying to save marriage

[SoTorn]

SoTorn... I would not contact the man’s wife... for a couple of reasons. 1. That is not DBing or GAL. That is being preoccupied with what she is doing and not working on you. Telling the wife would only push her towards OM not get in her way. It would escalate the situation so that they would be forced to make a choice and most likely it would be the wrong one. If you ever hope to R, let it be. It will die its own death. 2. Do you really need to cause the wife anymore pain? If they are separated, she is well aware the marriage is in trouble. Leave it be. I know if I was the wife, I would not necessarily want to know as I would be just trying to get myself together. Talking to you would just make it that much harder. She may also already know.

Years ago...in my first life, I was married to another man. About seven years into our relationship and two years into our marriage, I discovered, quite by accident, that my H was having an EA (and heading towards a PA) with a mutual friend. She was actually the longtime girlfriend of one of his best friends. Anyway, I was away at the time but made it known that I knew so when he picked me up at the airport a couple days later, it was a very somber ride home to say the least. I thought long and hard about how I wanted to deal with it. I decided that it was more of a symptom that something was wrong in our marriage than it was that either of them were bad people. So I addressed that. I acknowledged his unhappiness, we decided to work on the things that were missing and he ended whatever was going on. I also had a choice about whether or not to tell his friend, her bf. I chose not to. I didn’t tell him because I had chosen to see the A as a symptom and I had decided to forgive both of them (even though she and I were never really friends again). I had no interest in blowing up their relationship (they had kids) or causing any pain to her bd who I liked very much and who my H saw often. There were also many other friends in that circle who could have been drawn in and it had the potential to be very awkward and messy. I did not want to do that to any of them and create even more problems. So I took the high road and worked on my MR. A few months later, I was at a wedding with mutual friends and found myself sitting with her and her bf while my H was with the wedding party getting pictures taken. At some point, I got up to go to the bathroom and she followed me. When we got into the bathroom, she broke down. Apologized for what she had done...tried to explain it. I told her to stop, that I understood why it happened, that I was glad it happened because my MR was much better and I thanked her. She could not have looked more dumbfounded. I also told her that I forgave her. And I walked out of that bathroom with my head held high a much stronger, more at peace person. Now ultimately my H and I did divorce. It was a mutual decision. We wanted different things and were going in different directions. We separated for two years and then divorced when I decided to move. We amicably divided our possessions (there wasn’t much), traveled to the courthouse together, signed the papers and went out for lunch. The day before my move, we had one last lunch together and we parted with love. I cried as I drove out of town towards my new home as I was leaving my old life and heading towards a new one. He is still my friend and he and my H have actually emailed each other a few times and have a friendship of sorts. This past summer, me and my kids had dinner with him and his parents when we were vacationing. I am very proud of how we parted and of the relationship we have been able to maintain. I will endeavour to do the same with my H when/if we end up disolving our marriage - regardless of how painful it will be.

Anyway...my point is that life is long. You are hurt now. Please don’t make your decisions based on that hurt. Make your decisions from a place of peace and love and if you can’t do that now, put the decisions off until you can. You will not be sorry you did. (((HUGS)))

Thats what I figured. I have not told OM's W. I honestly am not thinking of telling her based on revenge. I just feel sorry for her. I feel bad that she is at home with two children by herself. Honestly the way my WW reacted when I had mentioned that she should know and that I knew her name and phone number, tells me that the OM is still holding onto his marriage and kids. I am sure he cares for them and doesnt want to hurt them. He is doing the same thing my wife is now, but from a mans perspective. My IC wanted me to tell everyone and go nuclear. When I explained what I was doing he told me that I was probably the strongest man he has dealt with and that what I am doing is unbelievable because mostly everyone either goes into full outright "save marriage pursuit mode" or they go into "Nuclear meltdown burn everything to the ground mode".

I am doing my best. Everyone going through this with kids knows how hard it is. My children are very stressed out because mom is acting so weird. I spoke with my kids this morning after she left. Unfortunately S11 and D16 know what she is doing because she pretty much told them. They are mad at her. I told them not to be mad because she isnt doing this to hurt them. I told them to just focus on school. I asked them to tell me that if they were getting to upset with the situation. My kids come first. I asked them how they felt right now. Right now they are mad at what she did, but they are ok with the living situation and still comfortable. I told them to not think or talk about anything that WW is doing and to just spend time with mom if she wants to do that, because their relationship with her is important as well. I told them that they need to keep in contact with me about how they feel. I need to know if they are too stressed out by the situation. As of now, they are mad, but they are not feeling like I do. I confirmed that my S11 and D16 are ok with her living upstairs and me downstairs. They understand that I will not fight with her and that I will not cause any issues to stress them out.

I told them to tell me if they just can't take it anymore. If they get too stressed out and it starts having a huge impact I will have to go ahead and do what I need to do to protect them. They are first, I am second. My MR is not even on the table right now.

Yesterday when the WW and I were talking she was stunned when I told her that I just want her to leave me alone and that we need to just make sure that we are co-parenting together and not separate. She asked "You are ok with co-parenting now and living like this?!?" I told her that my children were more important than anything right now and that although I do not agree to live in an open marriage, or agree that everything is just "ok", our situation is what it is right now and that if the kids are ok, then I will continue to focus on them.

Before we went to bed she asked "Why are you clinging to this so hard?" meaning our MR. (I was in full pursuit mode about a month ago) She stood there until I responded so I just said again that my kids and myself are my priority and that I have let her go. I told her that I feel that she is an adult and that I understand that she was unhappy and that I don't control her. I reaffirmed that I will not argue with her and again asked that she leave me alone.