Sandi's Reflections - Part 2

[sandi2]

Torn I just saw your posts today. I wrote a rather lengthy response and then had some kind of computer error......and lost it. So, I'll try to shorten this one by saying that it seems you have really been on the ball doing a lot of things that indicate you are moving onward, detaching, GAL, etc.

Can you tell us why your kids are saying they don't want to live with their mother? What are their ages? As I'm sure you know, even with full custody, she would still have them sometimes, and they would still be affected by her emotional detachment from them. As the "sane" parent, you have to do what you can to protect them. Just know that most (not all) WW's will fight to the death to prevent their H from getting full custody. Not b/c she really wants the kids that much, but b/c she doesn't want him to win. So, if you should decide to go for full custody, be prepared to die on that battle hill, b/c there's little chance of returning to a MR with her. You have to do what you think is best for your kids, and with your lawyer's legal advice......always. With the painful emotions you are experiencing, it's easy for it to influence your decisions. How could it not? So, it's good to have an outside source to give advice based on their experience, profession, etc.

In my series of threads about the mindset of the WW, I shared my opinion of how it's better if the father (the head of the family) remains in the marital bedroom and marital home. However, there are some cases where that's not possible. I agree that the WW should experience consequences of her decisions/actions. Even MWD says that in most cases, some type of loss has to be experienced, in order to influence her in the right direction. When she is in open rebellion, having a PA, etc., then the H usually has to make some hard decisions...…..if he wants to have self-respect and hopes to ever have a chance of her respecting him as a man....much less as her H. It may already be past that point with you, IDK. So, whatever you decide about moving, make sure all your ducks are in order, so it won't come back to bite you. IDK if you own your current home, or plan to buy another one...….but please, get legal advice about all of that stuff. We can give you our opinions/advice about the relationship matter, but when it comes to finances and legal matters......get it from the lawyers. And, don't ever trust a WW to do the "right thing" or "be fair".

I am strongly opposed to "in-house" separation, b/c it doesn't work. I've been active on this board for a little over eleven years now, and have never seen one case where it worked. On the other hand, I have seen cases where the couple physically separated and were later able to reconcile. One case on the board happened to be a couple who were both counselors. She was in a PA, even moved to another town, and they shared a little daughter. I'll try to remember to post you the link of the H's thread, b/c it was a success story. The point is that the WW has to believe she's lost/losing her H.....for real. As long as he continues being part of her life, she doesn't really feel the loss. She can tell when it's for real. People say, "Well, you share children, so you'll always be a part of her life". No, you have the same kids, but you don't have to share her life. There's a difference. Make a life for yourself.

As I think someone has previously stated, personalities often make a difference in how badly a WW acts. I haven't read your entire story yet, but it sounds like your WW is off and running. Some WW's are bullies. Some are spoiled, and have a sense of entitlement. Some are mean. Most are manipulators. All of them will check the H's emotional attachment temperature (temp check). All of them are angry at the H. All of them feel justified in doing what they do.....and blame the H for it. And, as one of my favorite people use to say...…...all cheaters lie.

Don't know if I addressed anything you wanted to know, but I'll find your thread and post more there.