Dealing with a WW trying to save marriage

[SoTorn]

we were already done" "If I were happy with a good husband I wouldn't have even thought about this."

Lol every cheating WAS says this. How could they justify their own poor choices if it weren't for what you did.

But I see that a lot of responses here warn not to move out.

In some places, it may hurt you, legally, to do so. But talk to a lawyer who will tell you if it is safe in the eye of the court to do so.

Don't worry about her visiting her father. Doesn't she know that she doesn't want to be like him in that regard?

A lot of WW's think their AP is their soulmate. Then one day, the WW ditches the AP when it gets boring or too messy or she needs money or realizes he is a loser or a smoker or drug user.

Yep, I just talked about this in RWAlan's thread the other day:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2821220#Post2821220

My wife doesn't need money lol. This guy got close because he was her manager and pushed her to further her career. All she heard at home is "why are you gone so much" while this guy was like "let's focus on you, we got this". I feel that's where they started bonding. I know the mind of a cheating man. My father was a habitual cheater. He would tell women whatever they wanted to hear and even led one along with the promise of leaving his wife. She loved him, he enjoyed being sexually fulfilled because that's where his wife lacked. I'm sure that the OM found what he needed in my wife which was a hot younger woman to have sex with and my wife believes everything he says and feels she loves him. Plus he is successful. I am successful as well so I know it's not necessarily that.

I will just GAL and stay here. I am going to make sure that I'm either always happy and doing things for and by myself. And that I will take care of my kids emotional needs. My daughters wanted on my gym membership and the wife always said no. Even though we can easily afford it. So in order to spend more time with them I added them to my membership.

So I will continue on the GAL and 180. I am not moving. I can't kick her out. If she leaves I will accept. If she is nice I will be cordial and brief. I'm going to do everything I want to do.

Anyone taken a trip by themselves while GAL? I want to go back to the Philippines and visit my friends I made there. Great people. Very hospitable and caring.

[SoTorn]

So. Wife is back home from trip to see her dad. She is trying to make small talk but I am just short but showing her I am in a good mood. Been going out to the gym and with friends etc.

How often can I tell her that I am not in an open marriage? I want to tell her that because I know she's still talking with OM. She doesn't have much to say and neither so it at this point.

[MoveFrwd]

How often can I tell her that I am not in an open marriage? I want to tell her that because I know she's still talking with OM. She doesn't have much to say and neither so it at this point.

You......are.....in an open marriage it seems.
So what are you going to say to her, exactly?

[neffer]

You tell her that only once man. You can´t control that. You control yourself. You need to DB. It takes time. Take it!

[SoTorn]

Ok. I haven't actually said the boundary statement. But she got the hint. So I'll keep it to minimal contact. One word answers and being happy when I'm home and gone when shes home.

[SoTorn]

How often can I tell her that I am not in an open marriage? I want to tell her that because I know she's still talking with OM. She doesn't have much to say and neither so it at this point.

You......are.....in an open marriage it seems.
So what are you going to say to her, exactly?

Nothing. I just meant saying the boundary statement. I have said just about that so I'll leave it at that. And yes I am in an open marriage. This guy lives out of state though. Thank God.

[MoveFrwd]

How often can I tell her that I am not in an open marriage? I want to tell her that because I know she's still talking with OM. She doesn't have much to say and neither so it at this point.

You......are.....in an open marriage it seems.
So what are you going to say to her, exactly?

Nothing. I just meant saying the boundary statement. I have said just about that so I'll leave it at that. And yes I am in an open marriage. This guy lives out of state though. Thank God.

I mean, you should only state your boundary once. But...if you are in an open marriage, what does it mean to say that "you wont be in one"? What happens if she continues? What will you do to protect that boundary?

[SoTorn]

If she goes out of town again I am going to move out with the kids. I told her that already. Unfortunately, my wife is in full NPD mode. So she just doesn't care. I know she notices I'm doing a 180 because when I go do things with my kids or not come home she asks them where I am etc. She wont ask me.

My wife wont show remorse. I know I'm being impatient but every day I see her it hurts me badly. I am very hurt. I am trying not to slide head first into depression but i honestly dont know if i can do it. I'm seeing my IC today. I'm hurting today. This is affecting my job now. Unfortunately my current manager is an NPD woman. She has no care whatsoever what's going on with me.

[MoveFrwd]

If she goes out of town again I am going to move out with the kids. I told her that already.

I think it would be VERY important to check with a lawyer first. Youve already said she travels almost 50% for her job. So....how can you expect her to not go anywhere all of a sudden? I have a hard time believing a judge would look fondly on you uprooting your children to go...where exactly?

I know I'm being impatient but every day I see her it hurts me badly. I am very hurt.

This is very clear. I can see very clearly that you are acting in fight or flight mode. 100% emotion and adrenaline. Unfortunately, that doesnt work. You cant MATCH your WWs emotions. Instead, you should be calm, cool, collected, logical, thoughtful, etc. Take your focus off of her and onto you and your kids. What is best for the three of you. Work towards that. Dont use your pain as an excuse or a crutch. It's going to hurt regardless of where you are or where she is. And look, making any kind of big decisions while you are in this state is a terrible plan. You just dont have the capability to think rationally right now. Stop trying to DO so much and just relax, breathe, and...BE for a little while.

I am trying not to slide head first into depression but i honestly dont know if i can do it. I'm seeing my IC today. I'm hurting today.

This is an incredible place to start. What can you do about your own mood and wellbeing? What self-care can you do today?

[fade]

Emotionally this is a terrible situation, but it sounds to me that legally you are actually in a very favorable situation if you play your cards right.

A disclaimer - following my advice will most likely get you divorced, but my views are that:

a. It is generally preferable to be happily divorced than miserably married, and always better to be happily divorced rather than miserably divorced.

b. You will be much more successful if you only try to control your actions that are under your control, and not try to control your WW actions or outcomes that are not under your control.

c. You really cant control the outcome of whether you stay married or get divorced, but you have a lot of control whether you are happy or miserable in either outcome.

d. The actions you need to take to be happy with whatever outcome arises are basically the same whether that outcome ends up being divorce or reconciliation, and it all boils down to putting yourself in the strongest possible position in terms of finances, custody, emotions and health.


So, to that end I have a checklist of actions I would advise you to boldly undertake if you were consulting with me:
1. Keep a journal documenting ever single parenting action you take. There should be a full entry every day, even if it is just "texted kids at their mom's"

2. Visit many different attorneys ASAP, especially any you can find with a "shark" reputation. You will get different opinions, you will also block your WW from hiring any of these sharks. Most nightmare divorces boil down to a nightmare lawyer.

3. File for divorce with primary custody and support. Get your older kids to write down their preference on living with you. Don't move out until you have papers filed, or you have your lawyer's blessing in writing. As to filing under adultery, that depends on your jurisdiction and the judge. Where I am it is a great advantage most of the time, but other places it is just extra legal costs.

4. I don't advocate full blown exposure like you see on other sites, but I strongly advise you to not keep her affair a secret from anyone. You must understand that she has been building a case against you for many months, and you need support from people who know the truth. Also, I believe you have a moral obligation to tell OM's wife.

5. Show your cards on exposing to her and OM's employer, keep this option as leverage.

6. Spend time with your kids, friends, family. Look for support. Work out to exhaustion every day using HIIT and heavy weights. Think about where you might want to live/move, change your hair style and buy new clothes that are nicer and younger than you currently wear, and smile at the check-out girl.

7. Don't send any communications to anyone that you don't want read aloud in court. And don't argue the case or any sort of logic with your WW, it will accomplish nothing and only do you harm.

8. Keep the car!


If you do all this, and do it right now while your WW is still infatuated with OM then this process will be wife will not even notice you leave, or she will find herself with the rug pulled out from under her and suddenly you look like the better options.

Good luck!