Not the best night of sleep but I am used to playing pool sleep-deprived so it should be okay. Feeling a little bit better but also that I took a big step backward last night. I’m sure my H is horrified by my victim-like presentation yesterday - my aversion to his house and everything it represents. It feels like his mistress to me. I can’t even be in his area of town (and my job takes me there unfortunately) without feeling sick to my stomach. In fact, thinking of my H at all makes me ill...in some ways, my mindset is worse than it was a month ago. I think that is the feeling of hope diminishing. When he left, he said it was about “figuring himself out” and that it was a “break and that he thought it would give him some clarity. I think he has always been clear in his mind and just said that to try to soften the blow, so to speak. I think it was just part of his plan to move toward D in a way that might lessen the emotional toll on me. Every choice he has made in the last nine months (and the two and a half years before we moved) has helped him to distance and detach. I have a lot of catching up to do. I think when he looks at me now, he feels guilty but that is about it. I see flashes of emotion in his eyes (he gets teary, etc...) but again, that is about his guilt. I hate that he feels sorry for me. The people who know me and don’t know about this sitch would be shocked that this has happened to me as they see me as smart, confident and well-adjusted. Just the fact that I ignored every warning sign for THAT long is crazy to me... that I didn’t just put my foot down and say “enough” and demand proof that what he was telling me was actually real. My sister and BIL have been suspicious of him for three years but kept it to themselves. And when we moved and he was home, they thought maybe they were wrong but then it started again and they couldn’t let it go any longer. I regret that I told him how I found out. I think it has made it that much harder for him to ever imagine a successful reconciliation - he can’t face my family. The easiest path for him is to cut and run. He has ALWAYS taken the easier path. I just need to accept it.
Off to my pool tournament in an hour. Going to try really hard to just park my brain. Love to you all!!!
