Whirlwind of Hurt 4

[Twofeet]

Well she has been out of the house since Friday and the kids stayed with W Mon, Tues, but I get them back for 2 days. She is not dead, but I feel the ghost of her presence. Something that I didn't realize until she left was how much I miss the smell of her. I was grieving the loss of my MR before she left, but now the wound has been freshly ripped open and I am grieving all over again. I cry a lot, sometimes I am randomly triggered. I have never cried as much as I have since BD. It feels good in that I am able to let out those emotions that I used to keep locked up. This whole process has helped me realize that as a man it's okay to cry when the pain is extreme enough.
I have not been lonely, but I am decent at handling loneliness, just stay busy and GAL. I like quiet and I like to be alone, but this is a whole new level. W has kids Fri-Sun so I have a bunch of GAL lined up. I am guessing the weekend is where loneliness probably hits the hardest.

I picked up the kids from school for a session with IC yesterday. Met W there and she looked haggard. She was super stressed out and had bags under her eyes. I asked if she was ok and she said no she is stressed and she looked like she wanted to cry. I asked if she wanted to talk because I would listen. She said no don't worry about it. So I turned my focus on the kids. IC was focused mostly on D8 and her issues with D. Everything went well.
After W had to take D8 to her rec activity so I offered to take D5 and S3 so W wasn't overwhelmed and so I could spend time with them. They came back home with me and I fed them dinner. In the move W got our TV so I bought a new one and installed it in the living room. The old TV was in the girls room (it's a very large bonus room with a bathroom) and with it being in the living room we can be together more as a family. I played the Guess Who game with D5, her favorite. After I played music vids on YouTube on the TV and danced to them with D5 and S3. W and D8 came by pretty late, they went shopping after D8 rec activity. W called and wanted me to get kids ready send them out. D8 heard her and got pissed so W and D8 came in the house. W has been trying to go cold turkey on me since the day she left and we embraced. I get why she is doing that and the space she needs to create. I am respecting that and only respond when she hits the ball over to my side of the court. I dont think she realized how hard creating that space was going to be with 3 young and very active children.