Finding the Balance and then Tipping the Scale

[Adam04]

Steve, you're right, the focus is not on them or what category they fit into since the most important thing is our well being. I'm putting more time into reading the stickies, finally got done with the boundaries, the WW series, and am starting to read other people's stories. I notice that many of the sitches sound very familiar, I am so sad about it but at the same time I am hopeful for many people. When I see the same advice given to other people, I want to see them succeed because I know it's sound advice. It resonates better when said to other people and takes a minute to sink in when we're the ones being told. It's like we can empathize with others and we identify quickly, but when we're told the same thing, we let all of our negative emotions get in the way.

Amoafwl, making myself a priority is pretty on point, and it's everything right now. There's a whole, wide world out there to still explore and be a part of. Even though I am going through this, I am happy. Since I started to open up here and get the support and not worry about the W, people have noticed me being happy more often. I get comments at work. People think I'm seeing/spending my time with someone, if only they knew it was you all, LOL. I think next step is joining the gym I went to on the weekend and seeing if they have a group there. I usually work out by myself at the gym at work. It would be nice to meet new people.


Sandi, I'm so amazed at the amount of time you take to really break things down. I never mind a good read.

If you are separated, why are you going out together? See, this is one of those blurred lines when living in-house S, and the WW benefits from playing like one big happy family.

We take the kids out to eat a lot. Don't know how to change this dynamic other than saying you can't go with us. We don't go anywhere together. We were going out to eat with her family all the time. Her brother and sister are close friends of mine as well. Knew them before meeting her. So we all go hang out a lot. One of her older brothers I would always play football with.

Are you separated or not? If you are, then act like a separated couple! Have a schedule, so you can plan ahead GAL activities. Show each other respect while staying together under the same roof. You don't care what she does in her personal time...…..but when she's there under the same roof with you, she has to be respectful. She can't talk to you like you are a dog, curse at you, make you the butt of a joke in front of others, or put you down in front of your kids, throw tantrums, etc. You know when people do things that are disrespectful.

We have a board up for that we jot down important dates on, to help coordinate with the kids. I've been trying to practice these runs in my head on what she would typically say that's bad or mean and disrespectful, like maybe tell my older son you're just like your dad if he's taking his time. Next time she says something like that I'm grabbing the stakes. She can get mean but she's not very confrontational... And we've never allowed that sort of disrespect in our house, not on that kind of level. I know she is disrespectful in her own right. I do know however that I need to be very careful in this perception, she may be very genuine in her disgust but just be very bad at insults. I mean, we got here to this point from that so seriously taking stock of it.

One day we ordered our son some food and went over to her brother's house for dinner, and she was looking through the bag and started to yell, I thought you ordered him some fries like really angry over some damn fries… then my son told her, mom it's there, its chili cheese fries. Then she dismisses it and says oh, nevermind. Her sister even commented on her being mean. I should have checked her on that and demanded some of those chili fries as well. This was after the BD. She's the type where she would make a quip under her breathe and I'm so bad at hearing, it's like a blessing around them...

I also want to add about D. Her older sister was going through a D and managed to stay very close to the XH when they were co-parenting their kids who are now in their teens. The sister would go on vacations with the XH and his wife to be with the kids. I truly think W thinks this will happen with us too. W and her siblings are all close, they gossip and talk about everything and everyone, even her brother, my close friend. I tend to ignore them all when it comes to that. They used to trash talk the XH and now it seems like I'm up since W tells me what they think of me when I'm not around like how I changed for the better, etc... I just don't do the cattiness... anyhoos, that's ranting.

IMHO, it would be disrespectful for her to openly talk to OM in your presence. She should have the decency to go to her room, at least. I really think texting is very rude at the dinner table, especially when it's to OM...… but there's not much you can do, other than tell her to have the decency to go to her room if she's going to communicate with him.

Before I sound like i am defending her, I know something is up. One day she was sitting in front on passenger side when I was driving about a month or so ago and I noticed this bruise on the inside of her thigh and called her out on it asking how she got that. It made her uncomfortable the whole day, she tried to cover it up... and later at a friends house she "accidentally" bumps into a low, much lower end table and she says something stupid like oh see this is how I get these bruises... I'm thinking, no I used to put them peach marks on you like that. It looked like a small clump of vericose veins popping if you ask me.

But yeah, she's not open about it , none of it. She is going to hide this forever because she can not be seen as the villain to her family for breaking up our M. Her mother and father have lived in separate rooms for decades because they did not believe in divorce and if her mother found out, she will never hear the end of it. She will never come clean and it's sad. She told me she didn't want to live like her mother and father. She once told me she wanted to move on with the next chapter in her life. I'm willing to try my damndest for the family and the kids' sake, but i don't know... as a man feeling like i have to put up with this.

Sometimes I wonder if it matters if i know or don't know who this person is... like if either one is better. So no, i don't have to at least deal with the in your face type stuff, and she has slept with the kids in the bed with her ever since she left to the other room so she is not going to expose them to some stranger.

There was one time recently I questioned her texting on her watch to someone but at the same time she was texting her family because I saw them responding coming through on the phone when my 6year old was watching her phone next to me. I could have easily grabbed it and checked the texts but I cant stoop that low, we were in a restaurant but i do say this, when i took my 6 year old to the restroom to wash his hands and he left the phone on the table, she was eyeing me the whole time. her seat has its back to the restroom so she turned herself around to watch me go inside the mens restroom. when the door closed i saw her still looking. its this kind of stuff that makes me want to do the tough love thing.


I'm dealing with this better and better each day. If I had the means I would be out somewhere else right now but since I have to be here for a while, I'm going to use it as practice and make the best of it. If i was away, I wouldn't be able to have this kind of opportunity to possibly turn her around and gain some respect.