Today was one of my worst days yet. Just feeling really down and I had a negative interaction with my H. I had an appointment at 5 so my H was supposed to come over and look after the kids. I ended up coming home from work first because my last client was a no show and my supervisor said I should just leave early. Anyway, H shows up and I told him what I had fed the kids the last two nights and asked him if he had a plan. He said he had dinner waiting for them at his house. I HATE that house. I just could not hide my irritation. I was really short with him and later on felt bad, so called him to apologize. I don’t know how but I ended up losing it a little bit. Just got really emotional so clearly labeled myself as a plan B. He told me to have a good tournament and we would talk next week. My sister and her husband and another friend came over to practice and I was just down all night. After they left, I had another meltdown. Went into my room and cried. Haven’t done that very often. I do not know what is wrong with me. It’s been two months and I just can’t seem to get myself together. I have some good days but then everything just hits me out of the blue and I just feel lost and scared and nothing like myself. My H said when he met me, I was most positive, upbeat person he had ever met. Yes and then slowly but surely he sucked that out of me over a four-year period and then finished me off with an epic crushing blow. Who pretends to be chronically ill for three years to get out of being home with their family!?! Who does that!?! And I know what his plan is. His plan is to find someone else and reinvent himself so he doesn’t ever have to face himself and the things he has done. So he can “try to be a good person.” Ugh... I am such a mess right now. I just want to fast forward my life two years and leave this horrible mess behind me.
Okay....venting is over. I am going to do my best to forget about him this week. Tomorrow is a new day, right? Detach, detach, detach....so much harder than it sounds.
