[Living]

Living, what FlySolo posted to you is spot-on I think. It really does sound like depression and MLC. You are confused because HE is confused. You're trying to make sense out of that which doesn't make any sense! His words and actions are going to be completely confusing and even contradictory from day-to-day or even minute-to-minute. In cases of MLC it's really important to detach and GAL because the more you are around the craziness the more crazy you start to feel yourself. Don't let him pull you in!

Regarding the whole couch thing, I think you did the right thing in leaving him on the couch and taking care of stuff. He dismissed you as his wife, he doesn't get to do that and then enjoy cuddle time and sex and such. Just understand that doing that once will not change things, so don't have any expectations that it will. You've got to be consistent over a long period of time before he will learn to miss you.

Right now you're still in the mode of "I want to put things back to normal" which is completely understandable. But he knows that's where you are and thus you are Plan B for him right now. Plan B is "I'll string her along so I can enjoy family time and have sex now and then but as soon as something better comes along I'll jump ship, but I'll throw her crumbs now and then to keep her on as Plan B in case Plan A falls through." You do not want to be Plan B and you do not deserve "second chair" treatment! You are the prize, never forget that. Once he learns to miss you and realize you're not allowing him to stuff you into Plan B, your "value" will go up in his eyes. Again this takes time, especially with an MLCer because they typically have to hit rock bottom before they realize everything they've lost.

You are spot on! He is a walking contradiction so I know he must be confused. You are right also that if I continue to listen to his BS, it will drive me insane.

I’m being consistent for sure. Today when I got home from work, he told me how much he missed me, missed taking to me, missed smelling me, missed seeing my face, blah...blah. I told him, you’ll get used to it. I kept the conversation short and sweet and then left him in the room alone and headed to my bedroom.

As for being in the mode of wanting to put things back together, I will say that I’m learning that no matter what my marriage will never be what it was before. There is no putting it back together. Too much has happened. If by the grace of God we survive this, we will have to build a whole new marriage. My old marriage and my old husband is gone. That’s a big pill to swallow but I’ve swallowed it with a tall glass of water.

I love how you said I’m the prize! You are absolutely correct. There is no way I will settle for being anyone’s plan B. I’m still working on the GAL. I have filled my calendar up with some things this weeke and weekend.

Thanks so much for the real talk and the encouragement!