A familiar story with questions EIGHT

[RR17]

Since you are dipping your tow into recon, it is OK to start sharing your feelings a little so I don't think you did anything wrong about telling her you felt like she was running away and why. That part is fine. I just think putting your foot down about her going was inappropriate. I think a better response would have been something like "it may sound crazy to you but you asked me what I was feeling and I expressed it to you, my feelings are valid to me no matter what you think of them and I would appreciate it if you would try to respect that." And try to say it in a "conversation" tone of voice, not angrily. Then you let her go do whatever she wants.

I absolutely agree and if the ridiculous display of absurdity hadn't happened and I was better prepared that would be my intended approach. Not blaming the W. I was caught off guard. Since venturing into recon territory I have had to catch myself. It can be tricking opening up while staying guarded.

Have you ever heard that saying "would you rather be 'right' or 'happily married'?" I get this sense that you really want to be "right" (which is a nice guy syndrome thing by the way, and one I personally am too familiar with). But what does that accomplish? Because in the same way your feelings are valid no matter what she thinks of them, SO ARE HERS. Her feelings are that if she stays then you will pressure her into sex or an R talk. Those are her feelings, whether they are factually "right" or not. And your response to those feelings should be to validate. "I hear you saying you felt you had to leave because you were afraid I would pressure you for sex, I am sorry I made you feel that way." Then let her go!

Quote
BTW, what is a "NMMNG "covert contract"?


NMMNG is shorthand for the book No More Mister Nice Guy. A covert contract is one that a person concocts in their own mind but never expresses to someone else. So in this case, you expect her to stay home but you probably never expressed that to her so now you have a covert contract. She says she wants to go to church and you give her a nasty look (passive/aggressive). She asks about the look, you have the convo, and then you tell her she can't go (controlling). So you are punishing her for not meeting the terms of a covert contract she knew nothing about. Have you read NMMNG? If not you should. Another classic example of a covert contract is an H does something for his W expecting sex out of it. A foot rub, a back rub, making a meal, whatever. She just sees it as a nice gesture. Then when he doesn't get sex in return, he gets pouty and gives her the silent treatment. So her perception is he did something nice, then suddenly gets all pouty for no reason. She asks what's wrong and he says nothing. Then maybe he yells at her for something totally unrelated, like she left a towel on the floor. Passive/aggressive. Covert contracts are relationship killers. NMMNG addresses how to make requests and be very clear about it. Ask for what you want. "How about I give you a foot rub, and then maybe later you can put on something naughty and we can have some play time." Nothing covert about that, LOL! I had a lot of NG tendencies when I was married. I've ditched most of them and am shockingly forward with my GF, I have a feeling the things we talk about would shock most NG's out there in how blatantly forward and even aggressive they are. But my GF loves it. Most women do love a man who takes control.

I have not dug into this NGS which I have believed to be a nice term for Beta Male. Perhaps I'm wrong. lol
I just never thought it applied. Although I dabbled in NGS upon initial BD as many here do. I retrieved my testicles.

I do have extensive experience in personality testing and I have always been what is called a "High Justice".
I have damaged a few relationships in an attempt to be right. It has also served me well. So you are correct. I can see how needing to be right could be beta behavior. I simply want to see justice. Yea I know, blame my dad.

One thing that I am having trouble communicating here is that I really didn't care if she left. Right or wrong, and I see it was wrong, I said what I said because I was projecting my anger at her because of the ridicule. I knew that she was leaving because she expected some type of pressure. Subconsciously I knew that if provoked she would tell the truth. She did. I spend years ignoring this pisspoor communication and look where it got me.

BTW, "thoughts" and "Feelings" are often confused in this forum. A thought is that I believe you are running from anticipated pressure. A feeling is sad, happy, confused etc.

Any "covert contracts" were perceived. My contracts are expressed. lol. To me, that is what I have called healthy adult communication. Say what you mean or want, and no mind reading.

You are right one shouldn't have to validate ones feeling. Remember I knew her thought and feelings. I Didn't judge them. I simply wanted her to admit them. This was wrong.

Thanks, AnotherStander, this is good advice.