An old mindset for Burned. This is thread 8.

[burned]

Daily check-in. Another 5,000-word post, another "select all, delete." No need to bore everyone with the details.

Overall I'm doing OK. Still lots of internal pain but I'm maybe slightly better at consciously pushing it aside. It's worst right when I wake up and I remember that reality is real. Mostly just pointless questions without answers. Why? Why me? What can I do? Why did it have to happen this way. Well, burned, you've already asked these questions and gotten all of the answers. Still not enough. Focus on me. Personal growth. Time and space. Marathon. Somehow none of that is as soothing as it used to be.

Got a couple of these "how to D" books, legal aspects of D, etc. and reading them makes me feel like puking. But I have to make a decision at some point. The people IRL whose wisdom I consider priceless are all on the same page. "Burned, do the right thing, take back your self-respect, your dignity, your honor. Protect yourself financially, she loses nothing by dragging this out." Blah, blah.

I just don't have it in me, and I can't figure out if it's because it's not what I want, or because I just don't like having to pull the trigger. I can't kick this can down the road much longer. Yeah, there's always hope. But I could also get hit by a bus crossing the street. So, anything is possible.

Last night I tried to watch some random dumb mid-90s action movie and, surprise surprise, there's a wedding scene, for no particular reason. So now I'm just not going to watch any movies, period. It's just not safe.