Determined now as I move forward..

[Dtrmned]

I have gotten better.

But I seriously dislike when my W rewrites history.
She actually brought up a "situation" that happened just a few weeks into us dating and said that "should have told her right then how it was going to be". Really? First off. FIRST time I ever heard you had any sort of issue with that and it wasn't even an issue! I have gotten way better at not arguing back with her about this part of it, but sometimes it just gets old. You've been miserable for 21 years, I get it. The worst day of your life was when you met me and every day since, I get it. You can't wait to leave and be "rid of me", I get it (last one was not a re-writing, but seriously, I hear you, you are leaving).

Another part is that I am actually looking forward to the split. Mentioned this in the last post. This will drastically help me with the finality of detachment AND help me to move forward. Am I fearful that my STBXW will stumble many times coming out of the gate financially? Absolutely. Is it wrong to in one way look forward to her having to deal with budgets, jobs, kids, issues all by herself? Also, is it wrong that I am totally split on how I want it to go? Meaning. Somedays I want to picture her at the door, knocking, I open the door and she falls into my arms, we embrace, talk and who knows what from there. Somedays I just picture her stuck, crying and too proud to reach out even though she misses "our family and us" (eventually). Somedays I picture her stuck, crying and also not even wanting to reach out to me since she is done. Finally, there is a part of me that wishes her the best! That she will thrive for herself an our children. I know that seems totally weird and off the wall. But it is how I feel.

Looking at her know and seeing her off of the pedestal that I put her is truly revealing to me on a lot of levels. She is spoiled and selfish. She is no doubt aesthetically beautiful in every sense of the word. When she wants to be, she is a great person on the inside as well. Unfortunately, all I see now if the bad part of her. She gets so frustrated when I am just asking a question about our kids. It always goes back to her bringing up the past and how bad things always were.

I would love to tell all of you that I am done. I do know that this is going to happen. I am prepared. I am hoping the darkness will be short lived since we have been going through this for so long. If I thought there was a thread of light that could make it through, I would do all I could to make it happen. Alas it will not.