Sandi's Reflections - Part 2

[SoTorn]

I know this is for sandi, but no, do not move out. Ask her to. She isn't obligated to (under most jurisdictions) but she is the one cheating, why would you leave?

I am very early in my stitch. However, I am GAL, 180 etc. I moved half of savings into my name, got my own checking account, changed my direct deposit etc. Bought myself some new clothes because I lost a ton of weight. I had to use my CC to hire a PI to find out. So CC balance went up. I am not wearing my ring, no texting, talking, pursuing. She kept giving me a hard time about things like if she still had some control. I had to write to her and tell her that she has no control, my actions are my own, how she made me feel and I am done. I advised she can move on if she wants because I am. I advised that I will not file for D. I don't believe in filing for D. I just can't do it. Maybe in the future, but not right now.

You don'be believe in filing for D, but you believe in removing your ring? Seems kind of contradictory.

Stay in the house. Make sure you have the MBR. Keep your ring on until you are D'd. Keep doing what you are doing. You can take her cake away without moving out, filing, etc. This paragraph is the problem:

I am in a conundrum. If I leave, I will probably have to take legal action such as filing. If I don't, she may not get the consequence she needs and will have her cake and eat it too for as long as she can. I know its early, and I will wait a little while. I want her to see that she isnt welcome at my families homes for the holidays. So she will be alone or with her very small family.

This tells me you are doing what you are doing TO TRY AND CONTROL HER. "If I don't, she may not get the consequence she needs". Who cares?! You are done right? that is what you told her. That is what you are trying to show her. But are you doing it for you, or to try to "give her consequences". WAWs are notorious for seeing through manipulation attempts. I characterize it as constantly looking over your shoulder to see what her reaction is. That is what people do when they are doing something to elicit a response from someone else.

Take the focus off of her. Keep it on you. Keep detaching (you are clearly not there yet). Give her the time and space she needs. GAL like a madman. And 180 on any toxic behaviors you may be guilty of.

Relax. Breathe. Take some time. This will resolve itself in time.....its own time. Not yours.

Ok, let me rephrase myself. I will not file for divorce. I have not gotten to that point "yet". In the future, when I reach my as of now unknown limit, yes, I will do that. I am not trying to punish her. I just don't want her to think that she can use me as a doormat (while in the house). I am not comfortable wearing my ring right now honestly, it feels like I am being fake, like I am trying to hold onto something that is not true. So I took it off. I honestly don't want to live with her, but I can't make her leave. I would not be filing to punish her, I would have to file or get an attorney or something to protect my rights as a father if I left. That's just a fact with the laws in the state I live in. I can't just take the kids, or just move out alone without putting myself at a legal disadvantage. I would have to actually file for D and submit a parenting plan along with it. That is for my protection, not for her punishment, provided I move out. So for now, I will stay in the house. I am in the MBR so thats good.

I did ask her to leave and she will not. I haven't made any demands or ultimatums. We went to a MC session that was planned before I found out about the A. MC was horrible and one of those "if your unhappy then divorce and be happy" people. I did advise that when she was demanding things of me, that she no longer had the right to do that and asked her to stop. I am absolutely not trying to control her. I understand that she thinks everything is me trying to manipulate her at this point. The actions I have taken recently were just stuff that I did for me. As of right now what she considers toxic is a car that I bought that she initially told me to buy and then got mad when I did. She hates the car but I am not going to make a poor financial decision and just trade it in or sell it, because she will think I am doing that to try and appease her.

The other thing she is pissed off about is that I used the PI to confirm the A and that was some $$$. But its on a card in my name. I will pay it off shortly here. But she has used her CC to buy gifts for the OM and I know. So that is the hypocritical part of her I guess.

Honestly I had already set out on a "bettering" myself path prior to her even starting the EA. She just didnt see it because her focus was on her job and then on the A afterwards. But yes I was in pursuit mode. I was always trying to "fix" things because I was being gas lighted badly. So the biggest change now is that I will just completely detach from her and our marriage. I am a roommate and I will be scarce when she is home, either out with the kids our at the gym or with friends. My will to GAL is strong, even though I am hurt badly.