[Wanted1]

Thank you all. Had the talk last night. She swore up and down that she hasn't contacted OM. Told me I could look at her phone if I wanted but then went on to say something that I felt the need to respond to and the communication kept on, so I missed the boat in taking her up on her offer to look, unfortunately. I usually can tell when she's lying and I don't think she's lying about it but at this point I'm not ruling anything out. I have no trust in her whatsoever.

My recon, without really explaining it in detail, showed that she either was contacting him or at least was still thinking about him after the NC talk between them. Hard to really explain without giving the details.

I didn't move forward with any talk about her moving out and me not wanting her to live in the house anymore. The discussion was calm and didn't get overheated at all. She thanked me for that and then said some of the stuff I said came as a "surprise." I asked her what surprised her and of course her response was that the distrust I had in her talking to the OM and the fact that I thought this "limbo" period was just for her to get on her feet financially before she bolted. She did validate though and explained that she can understand that's how I feel.

She's really hung up on me "invading her privacy." Which I can go on and on about how that's just ridiculous from her standpoint when she's had 3 As. She was pretty upset about that this morning. I told her that through my intel I had assumed that she contacted OM but it does show pretty clearly that she's still thinking about him. I told her something I saw Sandi write in another thread regarding a woman only being able to desire one man. If she desires OM, there is no way she can desire me and maybe that's the explanation I'm looking for on that matter. She told me this morning via a text exchange that our R is intrusive and toxic which is contradictory to what she wants. I validated her and told her I'm done invading her privacy, as she says, because nothing ever comes about from it. All it does is provide me another gut punch anytime I've done it in the past and it's unhealthy for me.

She's of course using my "blow up" (if you want to call it that) and the conversation last night and text exchange this morning as proof that I'm not changing the way I said I'm going to. I told her I can't just flip a switch and that I warned her that I wasn't going to guarantee I can change overnight. That I might fall back into that trap, etc. and that I'm human and make mistakes. I guess if she wants to base her entire decision on my mistakes over the past 24 hours, then so be it. Nothing I can do or change about it. I can make it a point to do better in the future however and I vow to do everything possible to do that.

I'm done talking R (I know, something I should have done 7 weeks ago!). Nothing good ever comes from it and anything I say, she either focuses on the small negative or implies whatever I'm saying in a negative light. She can't let go of the negative and never acknowledges anything positive. I'm leaving it in God's hands. If it's meant to be, he will make it happen. Probably through a miracle by Him at this point. It seems pretty hopeless in my eyes at this time. But I'm finally at the point where I understand it's her choice and decision and there's not a damn thing I can do about it. I'm ready to accept whatever the outcome and am going to start putting all of my focus on myself and my kids. If she wants to leave, which seems inevitable right now, I'l learn to deal with it.

We are scheduled to talk to a religious advisor (the priest that married us who is a very good family friend of my W and her family) next week. Maybe the miracle I'm looking for will take the place in that discussion, but I'm not going to expect for that to be the case. My W is pretty distant from me at this point.