Still here. Still not detached... (Part 3)

[Chris73]

I'm convinced though it's only because of the children, especially since they are still young, not even close to being teenagers. That I think keeps you (LBS's) angry because you see the effects of it all the time and think about how much better it could be for the kids if the adults could only get their $hit together...

Thanks for making this point. I think 90% of my attachment to my ex is because of this. I am constantly reminded of how many parenting obstacles we could easily overcome if we were still together. Financially money is being wasted on 2 homes, 2 sets of furniture, 2 sets of clothes... money that could be used for college, retirement, vacations.

Emotionally, we no longer have the luxury of a family unit managed by two adults at the same time. The stress on everyone is doubled. Each parent has twice as much work to do and rarely can they rely on the other for immediate help. Plus there will always be things that one parent is better at than the other, but there's no way to "tag out".

As for the kids, they have to navigate the confusing landscapes of living in two places... "Where did I leave my new sneakers? How late am I allowed to stay up at Dad's house? I forget if I'm supposed to do my homework before or after dinner. Where will I be waking up on Christmas morning?" Grade school age children THRIVE on consistency and routine and no matter how hard co-parents try to maintain this, it's never the same as what you can achieve with an intact family.

You didn't mention if your ex is still with the OM. I'm not sure if my ex has a guy on the go but we are spending more time together (with the kids) than we did in the first 2 years...but she still runs hot and cold...I do my best to remain steady, biting my tongue at times, etc. Hard to know what she's thinking, if anything (lol), but not gonna ask for obvious reasons.

This is another confusing subject for me. My ex is definitely still with OM, but my kids mention him a lot less. Although as soon as I notice that he's been MIA for a while, the kids will bring him up again. The last time was about a week ago when OM and his daughter came to my ex's house for some sort of celebration of his daughter's birthday. It didn't ask for details. I didn't want any.

Sometimes I feel as if my ex is giving off mixed signals. Lately we've been getting along well. It's definitely more cordial than full blown friendship. I keep most of what's going on in my personal life close to the vest, as does she. But details leak out from time to time.

About a week ago I drove to my ex's house to drop off a library book that my S10 left at my house. When I got there she was trying to help him study for a vocabulary test the next day and having a difficult time getting him to concentrate. I offered to help and came up with a better way for him to study. I stayed for another half hour and finished studying with him while she helped D7 finish her shower. It felt very normal. It felt like the four of us were operating as a single unit again.

Surely a case could be made that this is my ex continuing with the cake eating that she started 2 years ago, but I don't really mind because ultimately I was able to help S10 get a 100 on his vocab test which would not have happened otherwise...