Finding the Balance and then Tipping the Scale

[MoveFrwd]

I had skimmed this before and was skimming to find the actions to match but had not so I interpreted that in my own way and made a declaration or this "Stand" to my wife before running it by the board as Sandi requested, my bad! I had jumped the gun when I made my stand to W on what type of person I am.

The problem with taking a "stand" is that you need to be very clear and very firm. A weak boundary is worse than no boundary at all. Let's say you tell your W "I will not live in an open marriage." You can't expect HER to be the one to change to bend to your rules. So, that means, you need to be clear on what will happen if she doesnt change. In other words, if you continue to find yourself in an open marriage, what will you do? Cut off your financial support? Move out? File for Divorce? etc. Your boundaries cant be hollow or they dont mean anything and only set you back. I see a lot of times, LBHs use this "stand" as a way of trying to drive change in their WWs. I know that was what I was doing when I tried to make a similar act. But I didnt have enough self-confidence and hadnt detached nearly far enough for that to do anything but hurt the overall situation.

I really meant to let you all know that I was telling her I wasn't scared to lose her, to let her know I was not wavering in my voice, I am serious.

So now what? If she doesnt change her behavior......what are you going to do to back up your words?

Yes I know I said too much but it also felt good to let her know I wasn't scared to lose her.

I wouldnt use your feelings as a guide for what is "progress". Have you read DR? Do you have goals? Is this act that "feels good" getting you closer to them? If not, then it doesnt matter how it feels...

I wondered if I was in the right place, on the right forum. I was expecting to look elsewhere for help with my kids and how to help them navigate this rough time, what to say to them and all that, but I had to take a step back

I mean, we arent really therapists. Or experts in child psychology or anything like that. I mean, at some point, you and W will need to sit them down and explain what is going on. But the details of the words and how to do it isnt really something the people here are capable of scripting for you. When that time comes, Im sure we can offer some suggestions based on our experience if you need it though.

Is it normal to feel like shutting down and not wanting it to work because of how this will affect the kids? I really don't know if I can forgive her for that. I feel like I want to ride this out like a free ride and at the end when we sell the house, I get what's mine and I'm good.

Im having trouble understanding. You want things to NOT work, because splitting up is BETTER for the kids? That seems unlikely to be true...?

As for the actions? Now that I've read more of the WW posts(not able to read all the replies yet but will at some point), I'm not going to fall for those things I was doing before. When my 6 year old says daddy hug mommy, or daddy do this, I am not going to entertain that but will deflect. She has, so will I. She temp checks, she can get burned like frostburn. When she wants to discuss things about us or anything that can lead to us, not going to take the bait. When she texts, not going to jump on it. Maybe not even respond like tonight when I was working out. When she's here, I leave to the room. Instead of her making my morning coffee, I'm going to tell her to make sure it has 2 spoons of sugar, always. No seriously, I'll be doing that. As for laundry, she still does mine.... I .. will.... tell... her … not... to...do...that... anymore /sadface. When it comes to buying meals or dinner, I might tell her no need. Of course I need guidance on a few of these things. These are just actions saying, I am not dependent on you, I don't need you to do this for me or I am not going to be sitting around like a little puppy waiting for you except if it's sex. J/K.

It's all very "wordy". Dont tell her not to do your laundry. Pick up your slack and just do it yourself. Good on the texts - you dont need to jump to reply ASAP. For dinners, I dont think who pays for dinner really matters - the money is all joint anyway at this point. But, maybe cut back on family dinners and family time to begin with. Get a schedule together of which nights you will watch the kids and which nights she will. When she has them, try to plan a GAL activity for yourself to get you out of the house - dress nicely, shower, etc. (Don't pretend you are going on a date, but just dress to feel and look good). Help the kids with their rooms, their HW, etc. Plan a fun outing to take them somewhere on a Saturday or something. These things you can offer to W to join, but dont rely on her to attend or be supportive - go with 0 expectations of her.

(In between typing this was also reading the WW series and the Reflections. I do have questions like in the past when she said, "I am wanting to go with my friend for the weekend to the company yearly golf event" if I said I don't agree with it and she insists, what can I do at that point besides trying to rationalize with her? What are other actions besides using our words can we take? Can't hold out on the sex... handcuffs and whip? but on a serious note, I always do appreciate the responses and advice.

She told me in advance that there's two company holiday parties she was invited to and has told me about. When she was working from home on my computer the other day, she had her Citrix up and I saw the company email... go ahead and let her do her own thing and not care or is this where we put our foot down?

I mean, why would you say she "cant go" to begin with to a work event? If it's because of OM, then you need to reconsider the stand you took and what this means. If it's just because she's getting out of the house, then make sure it's on the calendar, and block off some time for you to do something also.

Don't think of what you are doing as PUNISHING her. Or controlling her. Or limiting her.

All you can control is YOU and your reactions and your actions. and your boundaries.

She wants for both of us to drive our boys to an out of town Christmas light show next week. I said sure thinking about the holidays may be the exception for family time.. Thanksgiving is coming up and we will be doing a small family get together. Are there posts on the best way to handle these events? The Christmas light show, since I said yes, cant back out now right?

You go with 0 expectations. Be upbeat, carefree, pressure-free. Happy and excited for the kids. Show your best self. And like I said, no expectations. Its an event for your kids that she is tagging along to. It doesnt mean she wants to be with you. So no hand holding, longing glances, etc.

This is the confusing part, We stop the disrespect if she says something, I get we challenge but what about the other stuff like the going out, the events? How do we come down hard regarding those things with her time and how/where/who she wants to spend it with? Sandi, didn't earlier you say get a schedule and we use that for things like this? Don't question her, don't do nothing about where she goes etc right? Is this coming down hard, meaning we can care less what she does? By showing her we don't care, she'll care? But when it comes to words, we check the disrespect? Need more info on this, I think I asked above.... Need to know when we check her disrespect, what's appropriate and what is not, like what's over the top. Anyone got any scenarios to run on what's not too mild or crazy over the top?

Like I said, all you can control is you. So if she is going out to see OM, you dont say things like "have fun". You lock up the house and turn out the lights when youre ready to go to bed. You dont wait up or check on her when she gets back. And so on. Shes a grown up and you cant control what she does or who she does it with.