Gordie 22 eight months after she dropped the D

[Gerda]

Gordie, you love her. That is the light in all the darkness.

And you felt it so much that you had to tell her.

And you felt it so much that you had to tell her even though you

are tired of being patient

are tired

are tired of the criticism

are tired of the lack of affection

are tired of the absence of reciprocity.

That is some powerful love.

I met tonight with a priest who I consider my earthly father. He taught me and baptized me

and always reminds me what God's love means.

Once he told me that my H and I were both crucified as Christ was, one in love and one in sin,

just as Christ was,

and that my stand at times would just be me standing in faith at the foot of my H's own cross.

He was moved to a church in Canada and that loss has been very hard to bear.

He was in my city tonight and met with me and I told him what I struggle with now, I confessed the extremely dark thoughts I have much of the time now about my H,

also how I can't speak to him or look at him.

He reminded me that I am human,

that all my responses are natural to my humanity,

that only God can love in the way I want to love,

and that only God can give me the ability to do so.

He told me that I should ask for that whenever I can ask

but know that God forgives when I can't even ask -- he knows everything.

He told me to fight for my children,

trust God absolutely even if I am not able to make things happen as I think they should,

and trust that God and only God can provide me with the ability to love like that through the worst evil.

Do you like my attempt

to write like my friend Gordie?

((((GORDIE))))))))

Have you read Hosea lately?

You are Hosea right now.

I am not sure if my links are allowed, but here is Hosea studied by Tim Keller, Alistair Begg and TD Jakes in case you have to search.

https://gospelinlife.com/downloads/the-true-bridegroom-5560/

https://www.truthforlife.org/resources/?type=sermon&scripture=Hosea

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=blUbE_Z4Fmg

[OneArt]

Ok, sorry if I offend, but I do think our Gordie needs to hear this:

"She literally became the opposite of who she was. I was told she was Bi-polar, had a personality disorder (Histrionic or Borderline), that she was severely mentally ill, and at the time I could have believed she was ALL of those things at once. There were days I honestly thought she was possessed and she scared the hell out of me. Turns out she was a depressed text book MLC'r...and that was about it. So then the scared little beauty queen had to learn to fight her way out of the abyss she found herself in. She created so much havoc, so much pain, so many bad memories that would have to overcome...she didn't dig a hole...she dug a canyon. And she stayed down there for a long time...angry, confused, and digging like mad. Then she worked her way out of the canyon...but she was on the opposite side of it than me & our family. She was doing no more evil...but she was still alone, scared and even more confused. Now she had to figure out how to bridge that gap.

I cannot fathom what that must have been like...not being able to trust anything your mind tells you. Your memories are off, your reasoning is off, you have trust issues and everyone that has loved and supported you is now mad and disappointed in you. Now...in this diminished capacity...go out and solve the biggest problem you have ever seen. It is no small accomplishment. I know my own capacity was severely diminished during all of this...and my thinking was far from straight for most of it. But my trip was like jumping over a crack in the sidewalk compared to her Grand Canyon leaps.

Looking back after our [vow renewal] ceremony...it was so clear to see how hard it was for both of us...but also how much farther she had to come. She had to build a lot of bridges, one at a time, to reattach herself to her world and her family. Looking back that is so easy to see. Living it...being the last bridge built...at the time felt like it took forever. Today it feels like a blip on the radar."

[Gerda]

WOW, One Art.

And it sure is a sign of how deep we are all in that reading that actually gives me a feeling of hope?!!!!

[Gordie]

Gerda

I just listened to that Keller talk and wow

That gave me a lot to think and pray about

It inspires me to persevere

Thank you so much

Our relationship with God is like a marriage I had heard before

It is like a bad marriage that was a new one

And that end part I never heard before

That he was buying her back

And they were not going to lay together for a while

But they would in the future

It is a lovely parable of the love of God

But here is where it breaks down for me

I am not God nor Hosea

I am a sinner who is guilty of not prioritizing my wife in the way I should have

And my wife is not the prostitute

So how can these two sinners come back together

That is my question

And my answer has changed from

That will never happen to

Maybe that can happen

That is my mustard seed

[Gordie]

OneArt

Thank you so much

That is an amazing story

So here is where I am

W became the opposite of who she was

And now some things are turning back to the woman I knew

But other things I think are permanently changed

Extreme weight loss and exercise period is over

And she is back to a healthy weight

Her extreme spending is over

But she still does not trust me with money

Her party days are over

And she is not chasing OMs

She left the church

And is sticking with her non Christian beliefs

She emotionally left her kids

And has reconnected with them

She left her old friends

And they do not want to be her friends any more

And then there is she and I

Like In the story

I think she is no longer doing a lot of harm

But we are on different sides of this canyon

And I do not know how we bridge it

[OneArt]

I think what struck me in reading it back as I posted it, is that she had to travel the bigger distance. Perhaps the problem is that you are still trying to bridge the gap for her and it is her that has to do it.

Take that same inventory you took before. Do I want to be here today? If yes, then BE there. You can only do your part. If you find his thread and read it, you will see he describes it as a years-long process during which he had to keep his expectations very low for both of them.

Sounds like it is not where you want it to be, but it is light years ahead of where it is.

Maybe work on you some more and your relationships with the kids--the things you control and will bring you fulfillment and take your eyes off what you don't have an put them squarely on what you do.

[Gordie]

OneArt

Thank you

What is the name of that poster

[OneArt]

His name is BBHelp. If you google his name with some obvious key words, you will find him.

[Gerda]

Gordie, you will not bridge it. Only God can bridge it for you, if you trust Him.

He will not do it on your timetable or in a way you think it should be done. I am sure He also will bring your W back to Himself, probably through your faith. That could be the whole point of this thing.

When I was speaking to that priest the other night, I said, "I can't do that, I am not a saint!" And he smiled with so much love and said, "God wants you to be a saint. He wants you for Himself."

That kind of vision probably sounds batsh*t crazy here but I will tell you that it brought me a lot of peace to remember that. God is always present. He always knows what you are going through. He knows exactly what is going on with your W and how it will all turn out. He always keeps calling us to follow His will even when it seems to make no sense.

I think you are straddling the fence of the world and the fence of the spirit at once. I think you are suffering terribly these days because of that. You must choose which fence you want to jump over. If you choose the world, you can rationalize as you do with this list. If you choose the spirit, you need to stop thinking you have a choice of how it should, could, will be. You have to trust God. I think your suffering is because you haven't really chosen one side so you are at times tortured or think there is something else you could/should do.

[Gordie]

I am the guy who puts up Christmas lights the day after a Thanksgiving

A lot of lights

It is a big project and takes all day

Two years ago was after BD and w was chasing OM1

No lights

One year ago w was chasing OM2 and we were getting ready to finalize our D

No lights

My son asked me this weekend if I would put up the lights

I paused and then said yes