13 years and two small children

[Hurt213]

Journaling:

So a couple of days has past since I last made a entry to my "diary". Things have been going in the same limbo state, not much has changed.

I have been focusing on enjoying my time with the kids and have been better at detaching from not only WW but also not workin when im not a work, which has been a problem for me. Everyone seems to be enjoying that, I know I do.

I had a good long session with my therapist (which relates to aforementioned depression), and the situation at hand is a part of those talks since it has such a huge impact on my mental state. I am in a good spot right now, and I have gotten some advices on to handle my self when I want to reach out to WW and how exactly to go about doing that in a way that does not make me smash my identity and self-esteem.

Basically, I was advised to tell her, that I was in no way agreeing with her choices at this time in place, however I was not going to try and change her beliefs, the choices she makes are her to make, and thats it. "If you love something, then set it free to choose for itself", basically. The thing was, that I appear to be pushing whenever I engage the conversation, so I should wait for her to reach out.

So yesterday, she asked if we could talk about something related to the kids and their spare time activities this week, and I agreed. Turns out it was a logistical problem and we quickly sorted it. I then told her the above mentioned, and she was surprised (at least acted surprised). She asked if she had been brought up in any other contexts in my conversations, and I said that she was a part of the process, but not the endgame, a piece of the puzzle one might say.

She was very curious, and I answered some of her questions, but I steered clear of things related to me and her. (My therapist, basically has been stating from day 1, that she is in no way able to give a clinical assessment of my WW, as that would require her to have her in her clinic and watching/talking to her in "real time" (don't know the word). However, there are patterns to why people do what they do, and she and I have been talking about those.

WW was very interested, and actually said that she would like to talk to my therapist, because she could see some valid things, that she hadn't really thought about.

Then she proceeded to tell me, that OM was only interested in a relationship with no strings attached, and she didn't know if she want to be with him - I told her, that I already told her, that I didn't want to talk about them, and I would have no part in their drama. I told her to respect my wishes, if we were have conversations regarding anything but the kids. She said she was sorry. Then she said, that she was really afraid of the fact that if she went back to me, then she would fall back in the old relationship with all its hardships. (She has actually gained a lot of independence, matured and is another woman right now) since we ended things. And she was terrified to loose those values, because she really loved that about herself. I told her, that I had noticed how she had "evolved", and that it was nice for her, and I could understand her fear of loosing herself.

She said in relation to the above fear, that even if she didn't end up with OM, then she would probably not want me, because of how she perceived herself since it ended. I validated her, and then said, you can't go back to something, since that is in the past. You can start something new, and by already realizing what was wrong, you get a head start on your present and future. All of that is for you to figure out.

She thanked me, then I headed out to the gym.
When I came back later, she asked if I wanted toast bun (well I don't know if thats cake-eating?), but I accepted and she made me a meal (not putting anything feelings into that), and sat down on the couch for 1 hour (she usually goes to her room after 21.00 - most likely to text with OM), but she didn't go until 22.00.

Not putting anything in it, just journaling.

Today I am going shopping for some new clothes, getting a haircut - then gym tonight, and a coffee with a friend later.

Saturday we will be attending a children's birthday (my oldest friend and the wife is a close friend of WW) so we will be going together - No expectations or anything, its purely to do a good thing for the kids - do I need to take special precautions to anything?

Thanks.