Finding the Balance and then Tipping the Scale

[Adam04]

From Guide for LBH who has a Wayward Wife

That leads me to the second part. As the rejected party, the H cannot enable her in this terrible, disrespectful behavior. Every time he does, it will set him back. Before he can show her what a wonderful & improved H he wants to be, he has to prove what kind of man he is. All of this still comes under the heading of DBing.

From Guide for LBH who has a Wayward Wife 4

For DBing to be successful, the LBH needs to come down HARD on the WAW because the emotional allure is like a powerful riptide tearing her and the M asunder.

From action list before DB forum:

2-LOSE YOUR FEAR of WAW. Reclaim your balls back from her purse.
3-Pull out the "not willing to live in an open M/no-OM boundary" script.

( I need more information on all the above, are there breakdowns of what these mean and what specific actions to do/NOT do?)

I had skimmed this before and was skimming to find the actions to match but had not so I interpreted that in my own way and made a declaration or this "Stand" to my wife before running it by the board as Sandi requested, my bad! I had jumped the gun when I made my stand to W on what type of person I am. I really meant to let you all know that I was telling her I wasn't scared to lose her, to let her know I was not wavering in my voice, I am serious. The only time there is hurt was when I talked about the kids. I knew what she was doing. Yes I know I said too much but it also felt good to let her know I wasn't scared to lose her. When I realized I was becoming like her as in losing this emotion of love or not putting emphasis on it for now, I wondered if I was in the right place, on the right forum. I was expecting to look elsewhere for help with my kids and how to help them navigate this rough time, what to say to them and all that, but I had to take a step back(expect nothing I said...expect nothing and I might gain everything...expect everything and I might gain nothing), I still have a lot to learn from every wonderful person here who will help me not just in this sitch but in my life, for the rest of my life. So I'm here writing blocks of text as you all already have witnessed. (I will be working on paraphrasing too, just saying for those alrdy saying get to the point, :))

Is it normal to feel like shutting down and not wanting it to work because of how this will affect the kids? I really don't know if I can forgive her for that. I feel like I want to ride this out like a free ride and at the end when we sell the house, I get what's mine and I'm good...I don't know, maybe I'm just too much of an angry person so I need to WOOSAH.

As for the actions? Now that I've read more of the WW posts(not able to read all the replies yet but will at some point), I'm not going to fall for those things I was doing before. When my 6 year old says daddy hug mommy, or daddy do this, I am not going to entertain that but will deflect. She has, so will I. She temp checks, she can get burned like frostburn. When she wants to discuss things about us or anything that can lead to us, not going to take the bait. When she texts, not going to jump on it. Maybe not even respond like tonight when I was working out. When she's here, I leave to the room. Instead of her making my morning coffee, I'm going to tell her to make sure it has 2 spoons of sugar, always. No seriously, I'll be doing that. As for laundry, she still does mine.... I .. will.... tell... her … not... to...do...that... anymore /sadface. When it comes to buying meals or dinner, I might tell her no need. Of course I need guidance on a few of these things. These are just actions saying, I am not dependent on you, I don't need you to do this for me or I am not going to be sitting around like a little puppy waiting for you except if it's sex. J/K.


Where's that list of MOJO-REJUVE? That's what I need. Going back to above paragraph...Definitely wont be catering to her but sometimes in the past we went out and she'd say I'm not bringing my wallet... is this the time to let her know we will be going dutch? I pay for the kids and myself and she pays her own? Even though I say we're splitting finances, she's still paying a bit more so its not like total 50/50 so I think she feels its okay when we split who pays the meals, sometimes she does, other times I do. Can this work fine or is that still working as a unit when right now, it has to be total solo?

(In between typing this was also reading the WW series and the Reflections. I do have questions like in the past when she said, "I am wanting to go with my friend for the weekend to the company yearly golf event" if I said I don't agree with it and she insists, what can I do at that point besides trying to rationalize with her? What are other actions besides using our words can we take? Can't hold out on the sex... handcuffs and whip? but on a serious note, I always do appreciate the responses and advice.

This is coming up...

She wants for both of us to drive our boys to an out of town Christmas light show next week. I said sure thinking about the holidays may be the exception for family time.. Thanksgiving is coming up and we will be doing a small family get together. Are there posts on the best way to handle these events? The Christmas light show, since I said yes, cant back out now right? She told me in advance that there's two company holiday parties she was invited to and has told me about. When she was working from home on my computer the other day, she had her Citrix up and I saw the company email... go ahead and let her do her own thing and not care or is this where we put our foot down? This is the confusing part, We stop the disrespect if she says something, I get we challenge but what about the other stuff like the going out, the events? How do we come down hard regarding those things with her time and how/where/who she wants to spend it with? Sandi, didn't earlier you say get a schedule and we use that for things like this? Don't question her, don't do nothing about where she goes etc right? Is this coming down hard, meaning we can care less what she does? By showing her we don't care, she'll care? But when it comes to words, we check the disrespect? Need more info on this, I think I asked above.... Need to know when we check her disrespect, what's appropriate and what is not, like what's over the top. Anyone got any scenarios to run on what's not too mild or crazy over the top?