What a long day. Obviously I did not sleep well to begin with. Then in the morning S12 was crying again and did not want to go to school. While I was still trying to get him ready, H showed up, since I have to leave for work earlier and he will continue to bring the boys to school on some days. Day at work stretched and had a hard time focusing. When I came home H was there again with boys but left almost immediately, which is good, because I am not even able to look at him at the moment. I was glad though he had spent some time with the boys. I think it is important for them too know, that he is still part of their life. I almost wanted to txt him and thank him for that, but now I don’t really feel like it anymore. I have a little bit of a hard time with the boys telling me what H did and said. For them I know it is good to be open and I want to make sure, that I only say things to them, that I would be comfortable with them repeating to H, but I have to learn to stay neutral and calm when I get their reports. For example S15 told me he and H would be installing an old Soundsystem in the living room tomorrow when H would take his speakers to his place. And since I was tired and emotionally drained I snapped at S15 that it was my decision, which speakers would be installed at MY home and that was not H’ s decision anymore and he would have to ask first. I feel so bad now. I don’t want him to be in the position that he has to think what to say to whom before he talks. He should be comfortable to say anything on his mind. He then defended H, that he only meant it well, which I know is true. I will get better at it. This was only day one.
