I have a yard service that takes care mowing, and they don’t call me in advance to tell me they are coming, so I wouldn’t expect your H to give you advance notice as long as he isn’t coming into the house (garage doesn’t count).
He came in the house. Showered. Got his mail. Who knows what else......
I thanked him for taking care of the yard. No response.
D19 called me this week feeling very down. So, I went to visit her yesterday. We had a nice day, but she seemed so sad when I was leaving. I asked her if she wanted me to stay with her longer, she said no. I’m heading out of town, and she calls in tears “I need you”. So back I go. We chatted for a while, and she decided to come home for a few days. She packs some things, and we go the car. NO CAR. It was towed. Ugh! Well, car retrieved, and we are home. She seems much happier. It’s nice to have her here.
I informed H that D was feeling depressed an I was bringing her home. He did message later to ask how she was doing, so that’s something. Even though he knows she is home, I’ll bet he won’t text her or try to see her this weekend. It makes me very sad.
I remind myself I have no control over his interactions with the kids. I am very close to both of my kids, so this is were I focus my energy.
I seem to be having fewer and fewer interactions with H. Makes Sad. Feeling hopeless. I’m feeling very anxious as the month marches on because we will have to discuss how we are moving forward. That was our original agreement. The waiting is the hardest. I feel he is just prolonging the inevitable breakup because he doesn’t have the guts to do it. “One more thing I did bad”.
Well, I will have a clearer picture in a few short weeks. Any movement either way I think will relieve some of my anxiety.
In the meantime, I'm thinking about additional GAL activities.
1. Learn how to make artisan breads. 2. Take a knitting class (I want to knit baby hats for the preemies when I retire) 3. Look into taking a foreign language class (French, which I used to know; or Spanish) 4. Planning a trip with a girlfriend for next year to Alaska (she doesn't know it it! lol)
Grace, I am on your side and ultimately in favor of R and your marriage. That said my approach might seem very different for others here. I like actionable advice and that is what I try to offer.
In your GAL and Detachment, you have yet to demonstrate that you have begun to address your role in this sitch. Until you do you are not ready for reconciliation. I see a lot of control. I see distress because of your lack of control. Let go, let God.
Your sitch is far from over. You are nowhere near D.
As for these dreams? I don't believe they are magic. I believe our subconscious helps us see things that our conscious mind might conceal. I believe dreams can help us prepare mentally for what we fear to face. That's it.
Learn what Pursuit really is and avoid it at all cost. Pursuit causes pressure and will only work to drive H away. BTW, we all make mistakes. Understanding the dynamics of DB doesn't guarantee we won't slip up, but helps to avoid the slips. Work on you. Get to a place where you are going to be Okay regardless of what happens. This will not move you closer to D. Let H manage his relationship with his children.
You don't want him to think that you are simply waiting for his return. Be polite. Be mysterious. Men are attracted to W with unclear interests.
Nothing is more unattractive than desperation.
Let him go, to get him back.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
RR17. Thanks so much for the feedback. I love concrete advise. You hit the nail on the head. Control was a big contributor to the demise of our M. I came to realize that many, many months ago, and even apologized to my H for trying to mother him. It's a struggle every day, but one I am actively working on, and have been, for quite a while. Just thinking about Hs relationship with the kids, or what he is doing, is control, and I need to remind myself of that. I've slipped recently in that I looked at phone records and his facebook page. Need to get back to ME, not HIM.
Originally Posted by RR17
Learn what Pursuit really is and avoid it at all cost. Pursuit causes pressure and will only work to drive H away. BTW, we all make mistakes. Understanding the dynamics of DB doesn't guarantee we won't slip up, but helps to avoid the slips. Work on you. Get to a place where you are going to be Okay regardless of what happens. This will not move you closer to D. Nothing is more unattractive than desperation.
Let him go, to get him back.
THIS is what I struggle with the most, I think. After I learned of his affair in January, I pursued for 6 months. Looking back I almost feel foolish. Then our MC recommended I read DB, and the light bulb went off. I need to brush up on pursuit, I think. My text messages are too long in response to his questions, and I'm filling him in on too many things like situations with the kids, and his mom (who is in a nursing home and I visit several times a week). In the meantime his messages are brief, and scarcer. Time to do the same.
So RR17, what is your advise on Thanksgiving? Do I invite, or remain silent and let him bring it up? My kids are sure to ask if he will be coming for dinner. In fact S21 said he hoped he would be home by then.
Stop using the grown children to excuse your pursuit. Stop it now. They can tell their dad what they want. Let them.
I want to add that how your current sitch effects them will largely be in response to how you behave. I would tell them that you are going through a rough patch and trying to work things out. Be positive. This is the best policy IMO. Remenber they are watching and how you mitigate will in large part prepare them for future challenges of their own. If they know that mom is navigating the sitch well, they will be okay. If they ask if you are getting a D? I would answer. "I hope not". Listen, you have no idea how this will turn out. Even when you have bad spells (and you will) they will pass and you still have no idea, regardless of what you dream.
Didn't you mention to him that he was welcome to Thanks Giving? If so then stop pursuing an answer.
If you haven't, I would let him know he is welcome and don't expect an immediate answer. If he shows, great. You must lower your expectations. For your sanity. Much of the time what he chooses to do has very little to do with you and quite frankly isn't your business, anyway. See where this is going? It is hard and it takes time. The better you do, the less time it will take. Hope this helps.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
I want to add that how your current sitch effects them will largely be in response to how you behave. I would tell them that you are going through a rough patch and trying to work things out. Be positive. This is the best policy IMO. Remember they are watching and how you mitigate will in large part prepare them for future challenges of their own. If they know that mom is navigating the sitch well, they will be okay. If they ask if you are getting a D? I would answer. "I hope not".
I believe I've done a pretty good job in this department so far. They don't ask much about it, especially my daughter. When I told them we were separated, I told them that I don't want a D and hope we can work it out, and that hoping some time apart can help us. I don't speak ill will of him at all, but when they ask about him (what he thinks, is doing, etc), I just tell them they have to ask their dad.
Originally Posted by RR17
Didn't you mention to him that he was welcome to Thanks Giving? If so then stop pursuing an answer.
I haven't mentioned Thanksgiving at all to him yet. That's why I asked. Didn't know how an invitation would fit into DBing. From you said, and others, I see that it's o.k. to be nice. The DBing part is placing no expectations on whatever his decision is. Which is how I will proceed.
Grace it all stinks. But we're in good hands here. We all make mistakes because we are human and we are hurt. Keep coming back and post.
We have to learn to love in such a way the other person feels free.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
H really got under my skin today. First a little background. H is Trustee of his Dad's estate. (His mom is still alive in a nursing home). It's not much, but there was a shared rental property with other investors. During our marriage, I took care of everything related to it, communicating with the partners, taxes, etc. In fact I really did everything for his parents. I didn't mind that much because I was home when I took over that job. When he left, I turned the checkbook and the few bills over to him for his mom to take care of once a month. I do visit her several times a week. She is declining, and I am close to her. I'm happy to do that.
A few days ago we get an email that the rental property finally sold. I forwarded it to H. H asked what the exact name of the Trust was called, which I provided to him (but wanted to say you can look in the bank account just like I can...do it yourself). Another e-mail comes in yesterday. I forwarded it to him. A third today asking if we saw the first e-mail. Obviously he did nothing with any of them. I forwarded it to H (all the while messaging him I forwarded him these e-mails to be sure he saw them)
This is the part that ticked me off: He e-mails back: "Tell him to make it out to the account name u gave me". What the heck. I'm not his secretary, which is how it makes me feel. I e-mailed back: "I think you need to take care of this". He responds some time later "Fine". That's it. Whatever....
I think that if he doesn't want to live with me as a H, then I shouldn't do the things a wife would do.
Did I handle this o.k. from a DBing standpoint? I'm really irked by this, but need to let it go, I know.
On a positive note, spent 2 nice days with D19. Got her back to college today, but both will be home next week for Thanksgiving, as well as a good friend will be in town. Can't wait!
Just FYI, your goal is to get to the point where he no longer can get under your skin.
Read about being the friendly neighbor. Forward the emails and let him know that it is no longer your duty. Not in a nasty way, just a "matter of fact" kind of way.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
Just FYI, your goal is to get to the point where he no longer can get under your skin.
I know I still have a ways to go in this area. I'm early in this process and still slip. I imagine it will get easier as time goes on. I hope so!
Originally Posted by RR17
Forward the emails and let him know that it is no longer your duty. Not in a nasty way, just a "matter of fact" kind of way.
This is what I had hoped to accomplish by saying "I think you need to take care of this". But, just now I can see how it was me telling him what to do. I can see how" it's no longer my duty" would be better as this is controlling my behavior, not his. Learning new things every day!
