Finding the Balance and then Tipping the Scale

[Adam04]

Sandi, thank you for the 2x4 and your invaluable insight and time you've taken to give me advice. I had not been able to respond adequately to some of the questions and I have had to reread what you've said. The issue with me is that I was in denial thinking I had a WAW and not WW. I mean I knew and after BD, I told her I would rather sleep in the car and shower at work than to get her help on anything... then the thought of hurting the kids clouded my judgement.

When I picked up the DR book I was also reading something else which didn't specifically address WW. I was learning to 180, GAL, and working on communication from another book. Nothing I had come across until your posts put me in her head. Reading some of the information on what we could immediately do to "help" was the validation and 180. Because I thought I wasn't good at it and needed practice, because I thought this was something immediate I could work on with her(because I think men in my shoes still want that connection with WW, any connection where we think we are doing something right) I took every opportunity to try but you are right, there were times when I should not have said anything and just listened. There were times I felt like I was forced to say something because if I didn't I wasn't working to to make some kind of progress. Sometimes I was working against my better judgement and instinct to follow it "textbook". Part of the 180 was showing I cared, trying to open up, carry on this dialogue rather than not be involved.

In short,I was hung up on learning about dealing with a WAW that I thought some of those processes are the same in dealing with a WW.

Also i haven't completed the WW series which I am going to do tonight. I am here at work in the gym taking some time for myself, working out and responding.

When I got affirmation I was dealing with a WW I was a little sad for a moment and then I felt better knowing to follow my gut instinct.

To answer some of your questions, no, W and I never had an agreeement on who we can tell in the family of our Sitch. i need to read the rules again on that ... I haven't even told my mother or other ppl I am close to. Only one brother out of a few siblings, close friend, and few ppl at work. I stopped talking to them after coming here.

Also I looked for a few attorneys and got numbers but haven't called any yet. Can I ask, what are your thoughts on LBS contesting if there is a D? Like in this case if she wants more than fair , contest? I'm thinking the process will be simple but I don't know what to expect so feel free to chime in on this process. I initially thought if she never came clean I would contest to get it on record there was infidelity and request copies of texts. The part of me that wants to heal past that says it's not worth it, but aside from the emotions, is there any other reason I should contest or say that there was infidelity to protect myself legally?

Another thing, we are splitting finances responsibly but it may be a while if i can move out on my own but if I have the opportunity, what is the consensus on moving out to successfully DB vs staying with IHS? I think as I learn how to be better at GAL and losing my emotional attachment to her while in house, she may be getting used to it and it not have a stronger effect as mentioned earlier by Maximus.

Maximus, thank you for that info on the challenge with IHS.