Introduction

[Accuray]

so I'm always trying to determine what his current expectation is so that I can figure out what the "right" 180 is that might have the most impact. And that's made even MORE difficult since I'm dealing with someone who I know doesn't acknowledge, let alone make transparent, his true feelings or emotions that he's dealing with, and thus why in my last post I wrote about being so conflicted about whether his actions are really HIM or a symptom of something else.

I don't really think 180 works like that -- if a wayward spouse thinks you're just "peacocking changes" for their benefit, it will lead to two things:

(1). They will resent you more, because if you can so easily act this way now, why didn't you do it before when it was causing them pain?

(2). They will perceive it as a ploy to get them back and will believe as soon as they come back, you'll just go back to whatever you were doing before because you got what you wanted.

For 180 to be credible, it has to be a change in you even when no one is watching. It needs to be a course change that just becomes part of who you are, through repetition, such that you don't have to think about it anymore, it just happens.

That takes a lot of work and focused effort, and that's not going to happen unless its a change you believe in and you want to make for yourself!

Usually when a wayward leaves they have a laundry list of complaints. In my case I could pretty much categorize them into (1) invented (what she's saying really didn't happen), (2) completely valid (they are things I wasn't proud of that would probably bother anyone), (3) not bought in (I could validate how she perceived things, but those weren't changes I was willing to make because of who I am)

For the invented complaints, I could pretty much ignore them. For the completely valid complaints, those are the ones I chose to 180 because I truly believed those changes would serve me well with everyone I interacted with. For the "not bought in" those required more thought. If someone complains that you're liberal you may decide that you're just not willing to become a conservative for instance. Your integrity comes into play for some of those an you have to fall back on who you are.

Point is, 180 is for you, not for him.

This also means there are people I have not told about my sitch yet who are likely going to find out this week, either by noticing the lack of rings or perhaps by asking about H..

When I got divorced, I was afraid I was going to be walking around with a "scarlet D" hanging around my neck that would label me as flawed, or a failure.

What I found is that most people really just don't care any more than they care what brand of underwear you wear. It's more of a "she's divorced, she's married, who cares?"

When people notice the change, some will be morbidly curious and want to hear some awful story to satisfy their own need to indulge their darker impulses, some people literally will make nothing of it, but most people will be supportive in ways that will surprise you.

Over time, everyone will trend toward "not an issue" and being divorced will in no way define you.

Acc