A familiar story with questions VII

[AnotherStander]

It was very controlling. First, let me say that I didn't start the whole conversation. I was asked, "what is that look." Meaning what are you thinking. I shared my honest thoughts. I was ridiculed for having these thoughts. The most ridiculous fantasy thoughts.

I appreciate the extra info but I'm still not clear. It sounds like she asked what you were thinking and you told her about some sexual fantasy, and she rejected it and it made you mad and you retaliated by telling her she can't go to church. Am I reading that correctly? Seems like you're leaving some huge gaps and expecting us to fill them, which is fine but I can't help but wonder if that communication style (which can lead to a LOT of misunderstanding) extends to your communications with your W. Also that sounds very much like a NMMNG "covert contract".

I stood up to her. I stuck my foot down. (yes, controlling behavior). Also very much a 180 as I have never demanded she not go anywhere before.

But that's not a good 180!!!!! 180 doesn't mean "do bad behavior that I didn't do before"!

At that point, she got mad and finally admitted that I was correct and why she was leaving.

That's great that she admitted to that part of it, I just think you went about it the wrong way.

There was no pressure to have sex. No pressure to have anything. I was in bed enjoying coffee.

If the "most ridiculous fantasy thoughts" you expressed to her were sexual in nature, then do you think it's fair to suggest that she may have read your expectations into it? If so then that IS pressure. That may not have been your intent, but try and see it from her perspective.

Stander, I hope that you realize that I am in no way justifying my behavior, simply clarifying.

And I hope you understand we are not trying to attack you, we are trying to help you see your actions from an outside perspective. Many of the corrections we make to people here are not because they are INTENTIONALLY doing something wrong, most of the time is is completely accidental. It's hard for any of us to see things from someone else's perspective. We are wrapped up in what is happening to us and trying to justify our actions to ourselves, often when they shouldn't be justified. That's part of the value of these forums is you can get an impartial 3rd party view on your interactions with your spouse. Sometimes it stings, but growth does come with growing pains!

I remember during the honeymoon phase of our courtship, asking her what she was thinking and she always said "nothing". Make it something negative and you will only hear it during an emotional outbreak.

Well that often comes as a result of asking "what is wrong" or "why are you acting like that" or other words that put someone on the defensive. Often that will warrant a "nothing" response, whereas if you ask "how are you feeling today?" you'll open the door to her sharing her feelings. We often treat feelings like they are right or wrong but they are not, they are ALL valid. Listen and validate.