Thank-you Ovrrnbw and FS. I am slowly starting to come to terms with all of it. I know I will never really understand it or be happy about it but I have to find a way to accept the fact that we may end up D. So...to that end, I did what you had previously suggested FS. This morning, after a very noisy night with six ten year-olds running around my house (sleepover party), I decided that I want to get some weekends to myself. So far my H has had all of his nights to himself and I have resisted asking him to take our kids overnight because I hate the thought of them being at that house making memories without me. I also know they won’t like being away from their home but what can you do? I also can’t sacrifice my sanity and let him just go about his merry way without ANY responsibility. It’s bad enough that he has left me and his mom with all of the household duties. So, I told him that I needed him to take them every other weekend from after school Friday to Sunday evening. He responded to my request with an “I can do that” and that annoying smiley face that he insists on putting at the end of every one of his texts. What is that!?! To me it is just another lie. I am not smiling about this situation and neither should he be. It is almost condescending. My H was talking yesterday about coming by today to hang out with the kids for a bit. My sister texted me earlier to tell me she is coming over at 3:30 to practice for our upcoming tournament. I almost texted my H to warn him (he avoids my family like the plague) but then I thought better of it. Nope...he can deal. If he just shows up, he can feel what it feels like to have to turn around and drive away and not be welcome in his home. If he texts me first, I don’t think I will warn him.
Anyway... going to get some housework done and do some more work on my PA. There are times when I feel hopeful and strong and that I will get through this a better person regardless of the outcome. And there are other times where I just think I want to run from the pain of it. But...that is my H’s MO. I am better than that. At least I will have every other weekend to regroup now though. I am actually looking forward to it. I also like that my H won’t be able to pawn the kids off on his mom and will actually have to be with them for the whole time. She needs a rest too.
