The bomb woke me up, but she still won't talk

[SteveLW]

lusa,

go back and read my threads. I am not discounting ANYTHING AS said. Nothing. However, every sitch is different. I was in a similar situation.

One of the other anti-divorce experts I read said that sometimes the problems in the MR will go away when you clean up your side of the house. That yes, we can trigger the waywardness in our spouse.

Here was my timeline:

2014 My W and I started to look for a new house. We couldn't agree on any houses for 3 years.
2017 June My W gives up the house hunting since we couldn't agree on a house.
2017 Sept My W finds an online singing app and starts down the path to waywardness.
2017 Dec 23 I initiate BD when I find messages between her and a guy on the singing app.
2017 Dec-2018 Feb we are in the thick of our sitch.
2018 Feb mid month she has her last rebellion against the MR.
2018 March we start Ring and piecing in earnets.
2018 April She resumes her house hunting.

Note, that my bad husband behavior really got worse beginning in 2012, and continued through BD.

When I posted in April that we were considering buying a couple of the houses she had found, I got a lot of "WHAT THE BLANK ARE YOU THINKING?" responses.

I honestly think that the stopping of the house-hunting was the start of her waywardness. By time she found the singing app she was looking for something, anything to latch onto. My 180s after BD start to have an effect, she started to back off her BD pronouncements. But that is a difficult thing for WWs, and they don't do it overnight.

AS the other anti-D expert said, sometimes when you just focus on fixing things, the problems go away. Yes we got into MC, and did a lot of work over weeks and months, but a lot of her waywardness just dissipated as she turned back to the MR. In fact, she even said things like that. "As things improve the thoughts of leaving aren't as exciting, and the thoughts of staying aren't as negative."

When she got back into fulltime house-hunting to me that was a sign that the waywardness was gone. And as you said, she just kind of went back to things that she was into pre-waywardness. Her commitment to church returned. Her commitment to coparenting our daughter returned. Her talking about the futrue, together, as a family, returned.

lusa, AS might be 100% right. I don't know your sitch. My sitch was such that I knew, financially, I could handle the new house without any problems, even if we split up. Yes, my Plan B was that I agreed to a house that I could afford even with a D. So make sure to be smart, and protect yourself. But listen to your gut. You know your sitch better than we do!

Make sure you are IC to make sure your 180s are permanent. Make sure you are in MC and that she is willing to fully do the work the MC assigns. Make sure you do not bite off more in a new house that you couldn't chew if she were to go wayward again and bolt.

Brace for the "ARE YOU CRAZY?!?" responses. It worked in my sitch. I am typing this response in our new, beautiful home as we speak. It can work, but make sure you will be okay first and foremost.