Gosh Davide...what a thoughtful thread you have going. So much of what I have been thinking lately is what you have been writing about. I think I am finally starting to work my way towards detachment...take ownership of my own contributions to the demise of my MR...let my H go with love. I’ve recently realized that while I have always considered myself to be open minded and flexible in many, many ways... there is also a part of me that is quite controlling. Ugh... I hate that word. I never, ever wanted to be that. I need to figure this part of me out so that when I am in my next R, either with my H or someone else, it is not a factor. Learning how to let go, how to not sweat the small stuff, caring less about the dirt on my kitchen floor and more about the spirits of the people who put them there. That is the person I want to be and I have strayed from that goal over the years. This crisis has opened up my eyes and I am eager to get back on the right path...even if it is one that I have to walk alone. I am also learning that there is a difference between solitude and lonliness. Maybe it is because I am a twin and have never been without a “partner” in my life but I have always had difficulty discerning the difference between the two. For me, they have always been the same. My H is very different. He is an only child and has been comfortable with solitude for a very long time and, in fact, needs it. This has been difficult for me to accept and to not take personally but I am getting there...finally. Anyway... I really hope that your birthday party works out great and that the people who are there are exactly the people that should be there. Best wishes!! I hope you next year is filled with happy surprises.
The birthday party was nice. It was "intimate" with just about a dozen people, including co-workers (my boss and his wife) and a small number of friends and acquaintances mainly from the biking community. Everyone loved the empanadas and guac that I made, and there were many compliments for my "cozy" house and my beautiful and well-behaved pup. It felt great to have folks in the house and share food and drink with them. It was far from a blow-out but a great chance to talk and bond with some folks I didn't know as well.
Even better, one of my friends/co-worker from the party invited me to go out today to a nearby mountain to go bouldering. I had never gone climbing outside before, and my friend is a relative newbie as well but we met up with two experienced kids who showed us routes we could actually do. There were a few moments where I was climbing 20 feet up (a very easy route) and I had to push through the fear. That high up, the crash pads we brought wouldn't help much and a fall could result in serious injury. The fear helped focus my mind on each foot and hand placement. I can't think of many times in my life where I am more mindful of my body and living completely in the present moment than that.
It was a great way to spend a day, out in the woods, hiking and talking, scoping out rocks, and sharing food and drink. It was quite cold and crisp out (for the South) with beautiful fall foliage for as far as the eye could see. It was remarkably peaceful and calming. I would definitely love to get out climbing in nature again.
There was a bit of weirdness at the end of the day, as my W had come by earlier and taken the dog out but was still out when I got back. Upon returning, rather than knock on the front door, she evidently slipped in the side gate to the backyard, let the dog in, hung up her leash on the gate, and then texted me after she left. I was sitting down to eat dinner when the dog, whom I thought was still out with her, came bounding in the ajar back door. I was actually wondering if the dog had been in the backyard the whole time and I had just missed her (there are bushes and a shed), and it was only when I saw the leash that I was sure that I hadn't. W texted 20 minutes later saying that she left the leash on the gate and that she had fun with the dog. I probably shouldn't have responded, but I did, saying that it was bizarre but that I'm glad she had fun. I didn't realize that we were still running the other way when we saw each other. It just seems a bit silly.
Regardless, it was a great weekend overall, maybe my best in the past three months. I have an IC appointment for the first time in a while later this week, and then can look forward to the 11 hour drive back to my parents' house for Thanksgiving the following week.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
Sounds like you had a couple of really great days Davide. I am happy for you. This weekend has been up and down for me with a number of AHA moments that have got me thinking...some more. I am really looking forward to next week when I will be playing competitive pool for five days straight...hanging out with my friends...and not thinking at all. Your description of you climb and the acute awareness of your body was very cool. I think a similar experience happens in situations like all of us on here have been through. As painful as it is, the painful feelings and the realization that you can’t take anything for granted because you could lose it in an instant...it is a bittersweet place to be...living in the land of uncertainty. I notice things now that I didn’t before. Maybe because I really do not know what the future brings so the present has become more important? The crazy part is that we all live in this land of uncertainty ...most of us just don’t know it. Awareness like that is a gift, don’t ya think? That is the sweet part. I would not wish the bitter part on anyone though. Gosh I like to ramble... going to stop now. Happy Birthday my friend.
At the end of the evening, there weren't too many people left and I went over to where she was bouldering and said goodbye. She complimented me on a route that she saw me finish which she had been struggling on, and I said thanks and took off. I was pondering whether it was a subtle form of pursuit to seek her out and say goodbye.
I wanted to touch on this because a lot of people here worry about something similar I think. You handled the interaction perfectly! Being polite is not pursuit! We stress this over and over again here, but detaching and giving them time and space is not the same thing as acting cold and indifferent. If you're at the same party then by all means say hello and chat for a moment, then excuse yourself and go about doing your thing. At the end of the evening if you don't have to go way out of your way to do it then say a quick "see you later".
I think you are correct, but also that it depends. I think what your internal motivation is, as much as anything, defines pursuit. That's why I wanted to interrogate my motivations. I was afraid that it was just me taking an opportunity to talk with her or show her how I was doing, in which case I think it would be pursuit. Ultimately I decided it was more about being polite, and not slinking away in fear or avoidance. The irony of course is that she snuck the dog back into the house last night and slipped away without me ever knowing she was there. It seems like she hasn't gotten to the same point as me.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
Ultimately I decided it was more about being polite, and not slinking away in fear or avoidance. The irony of course is that she snuck the dog back into the house last night and slipped away without me ever knowing she was there. It seems like she hasn't gotten to the same point as me.
When my H comes over to pick up/drop off the kids, I offer him a cup of tea, give him a smile and will chit chat about the kids, weather, whatever has been happening in the news. We do not talk about personal things. This is how I would treat a casual acquaintance who popped over to pick up their child after a play date. Splitting up is not an excuse for poor manners. I sometimes even offer him dinner (if I have made something that can be shared around like pasta).
You are right, the fact that your W sneaked in and back out again shows she has a ways to go before she is detached.
Sounds like you had a great birthday. I had my first birthday party in 20 years recently. I am so very glad I did it. The house was full of laughter and warmth. I have promised myself I will do it every year.
I don't think I need to tell you this, but as long as you stay true to your values, then what your W does or doesn't do can't touch you.
Thanks. I did have a nice birthday. So much of it was what neffer said - expectations. In the past, I would have been anxious/stressed about who was coming or not coming, what that meant they thought about me. I would have been disappointed by the low turnout or worried about who was bored or not having a good time. This time, I simply focused on what I could control and what I wanted to get out of the experience - I wanted to share good food/drink/conversation with quality people, to enjoy the warmth of their company and hopefully to bring some positivity to them as well.
It's nice to hear that you can have such positive/casual interactions with your H. When my W and I do interact, either in person or via email/text we are both cordial and pleasant. However, both of us had been somewhat avoidant in the past. Evidently that is still the case for her. You are completely right that so long as I act according to my values (and DB principles!) I can be happy with any interaction, regardless of what the W does or how she reacts. I feel a little bad that I responded to her text after she snuck the dog back in, because that was probably unnecessary and better left unsaid since it was a reaction to her behavior. That said, she ended up replying and apologizing, saying that she wasn't sure if I had seen her message that she was coming over with the dog. It was a bit of a non-sequitur but she did seem to realize how bizarre her behavior was. Whatever.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
