Hello Adam and welcome to the board. I know it's terrible being here, but I know that it has saved so many people's marriages and lives over the year. This time of your life can be a place of tremendous personal insight and growth if you take the opportunity to absorb what you read and take the time to really look inward.
In reading your earlier posts, a few things stood out to me:
1) This is not 100% your fault. Stop sulking around and playing this woe is me card where you describe how horrible you were. Marriage is a team sport and it takes two to make it work and two to make it fall apart. Own your share - the inactivity, the jealousy, the shutting down, etc. But the rest of it is at her feet and it's on her to clean it up. Focus on the things you can control and improve upon them. How can you fix these things for the next relationship you have, whether it's with W or someone else?
2) What are you doing to regain your confidence.....your swagger....your excitement in life. It feels in reading your posts that you are throwing yourself into fixing what W said was wrong. Look....no matter how much housework or childcare you do, she isnt going to find you attractive right now. She doesnt want a maid. Or a babysitter. So you need to do those things because it's what you think is right and what you always should have been doing...not as a way to "show" her anything. So no....you dont do 'everything' or let her do 'everything'. You find that balance and do your share. If youre doing laundry, sure add the kid's stuff - but dont go around folding her clothes because you want to prove you can do her laundry.
3) What are you doing to GAL? I didnt see any mention of you having hobbies or going out or meeting new people? Its an incredibly important part of the process. For me, it was the MOST important. Put the kids to bed or take turns being the "parent in charge" after work - and then go out and do something (and not going to the bar to talk about your sitch with someone!). I mean, start a new hobby. Join a meetup. Volunteer somewhere. The activity doesnt really even matter that much.
Originally Posted by Adam04
You could hear me typing away and then I deleted. I felt like I was in a good place, then unsure, then wondering if I am backsliding or even know what I want.
Even if it's crazy rambling, theres no harm in putting your thoughts to words. Just dont show them to W. Lots of people write imaginary letters and then burn them or store them all away.
Originally Posted by Adam04
She said she was a little sad because she didn't have the answer. I said don't worry I can imagine how confusing things are for you right now. I guess this led to more talking as she wanted to open up. She said she was sorry that she wasn't communicating and that she was trying more now. I tried to validate saying it wasn't all her, I know I was responsible too. I said I am glad we can talk without it being an argument. We're listening.
This doesnt seem like validating to me. It isnt about reassuring her. Frankly, saying things like "dont worry" is INvalidating. She says she is worried and your first response is to tell her not to! I would say a better answer would be something like "there are a lot of things to be sad about right now." The point of validation is to HEAR her. Not to SOLVE her problems. And not really to AGREE with her either. It's just about listening[/]b and[b]understanding. When she says that she is having troubles communicating, you dont need to take blame - that isnt validation. Better is something like "there are a lot of tings in motion right now, so I can imagine it must be a confusing time for you." You want to understand how SHE feels - not solve whatever it is she is going through.
Originally Posted by Adam04
She did mention something about she liked the thought of her independence when she picked the items for the house because she felt like I was too controlling with everything. I don't recall what I said unfortunately. I probably tried to validate and said something like picking items don't matter to me. There was some other stuff too during that day. she said her family noticed I changed and was more upbeat and engaging. They said there was an old version and this new version. I told her I was just picking up new habits and working on me. Like I had an awakening.
Again....this isnt validation. Its solving her problems. Not listening to what she is saying.
I get it. It feels like you need to have an incredible DEFENSE right now. Like you need to SHOW her that when she says a problem that it will be better in the future. That you are changed. Better. Awakened. Aware. Whatever the word or feeling is. But it's not about YOU right now. So something like "Yeah. It can be frustrating feeling controlled." Or "It's certainly nice to feel in control of your decisions". or you can ask questions "it sounds like you feel like I always wanted to have the 'final say' on things?" It's about understanding her feelings. Not about improving or resolving them.
Originally Posted by Adam04
When I did ask about what she meant about the us, she did say she wasn't sure but also she wasn't ready for anything. Fair enough. She said something, wish I could remember but it made me think we are never going to reconcile.
Look. What if I told you that every time you ask a question ANYTHING like this, it sets you farther back....
Stop putting pressure on her. You know the rule "Believe nothing they say..." Theres a reason for it. Because feelings change. Because she just doesnt KNOW what she is feeling from moment to moment. You see that hot and cold pattern. Its because thats who she is right now. So any answer she gives is a waste of breath anyway. Stop putting pressure on her to set your course. Be your own man, and let what happens happen.
Originally Posted by Adam04
I can't accept being with someone in a MR who is lying to me or having any kind of A.
Adam. Your wife is having an affair of some kind right now. What are you doing about it? Frankly, it reads like you are sucking up to her.
Originally Posted by Adam04
***long conversation deleted***
I think you need to read up on boundaries. Like I said above, you called her out, and....now what? I really wish you had come here before confronting, because....now what? You say you cant accept her lying or her cheating or whatever. But HOW are you showing that? In the next breath, you say you dont want to divorce her. So what happens if she does it again? Because, Adam, she IS going to lie to you again. So what are you going to do about it now that you have made this "stand"?
It reads like you want her to feel guilty and come back to you because of guilt or shame or because she doesnt have any options. Rather than tell her what she needs to do...focus on you and what you need. "I am only interested in being with someone honest and loyal and trustworthy." rather than "you need to stop lying if you want to be with me." Read up on boundaries (after you read more on validation).
And look, stop trying to do everything all at once. TIME is your friend right now. Spend it reading an learning. Go and GAL. Kind of put your relationship on the back burner for the moment (as hard as it must be). Focus on you and your kids. Set goals and start fulfilling them. Basically, leave W to do as she wants for now.
Finally - you have to learn to keep your emotions in check. YOU need to be the stable, consistent one. Things are going to get worse. You need to be the steady one. I pictured myself as a giant rock while my ex-wife was the tides rolling in and out and around. You need to set your goals and your standards and adhere to them as much as you possibly can. Stop talking so much to her. Be a leader. Let your actions do the talking for you.
