Dealing with a WW trying to save marriage

[SoTorn]

Thanks everyone.

Yes when the PA started she started saying she wanted to separate and end things but without the D word. However, now that I caught her she is saying she wants a divorce. She was gas lighting me badly. She felt that even though I had asked her to be truthful, me having pinpointed the truth without proof, about having an A with OM, that her gas lighting and him being out of state was enough to keep me feeling like I was just insecure. She was absolutely shocked that I hired a PI. She actually yelled at me "I can't live with you because I can't trust you now that you had me followed"

I responded with "wow, you actually feel that I wronged you by catching you cheating"

Prior to confrontation i had removed exactly 50% of our liquid assets into a new account under my name. My attorney advised me of that because she was threatening to take the kids, the house, our money etc. In New Mexico its 50/50 no matter what.

I get all the usual statements and questions when we do speak. "Why do you still love me?", "How do you still love me?" "This is not fixable" " we were already done" "If I were happy with a good husband I wouldn't have even thought about this."

Rewriting of history "you never helped with the kids" "you never cleaned the house" "you never ADD HERE"
Yes I have a very difficult time not going into pursuit mode. I miss my wife badly. More so because we were still for the most part getting along, she would still come home and hug me, kiss me and was intimate with me, and within two months we are now here.

My boundaries I have told her were that she needs to end the affair. I told her that every day she is in this affair she hurts me and her family. I told her that if she wants a divorce she needs to do it because I don't want that. I told her that its disrespectful that she is still speaking with OM, especially in our home and that if she can't cut it off, she needs to leave.

I told her that if she doesn't prove she cut it off, or if she truly does not wish to reconcile and will not end the affair that I will be moving out with the children. For example if she just sits around and does nothing and plans business trips anywhere I will assume that he is going to be there since I know he feels she is his now. If she does that I will leave with the kids. Pretty much if she wont end it then her consequence is her family leaving her.

Legally both parents have to agree that the other parent can take the kids. Unless there is something to protect the kids from. I don't feel that this is a safe environment for them because she is not emotionally stable. She is having mood swings where she will attempt to take interest in the kids lives, but then just criticizes them for not living up to her expectations. She was quite a drinker as well but then she started to hide it. Has only been drinking before I get home or up in the room. Tossed out her huge wine cork collection.

She even threatened to get me fired if I told her job about their lack of integrity. I will try and get ahold of the same attorney tomorrow so I leave. I want to leave while she is out of town. I believe that the only consequence she would truly notice would be me moving out with the kids and then she would be in our big house alone. But I see that a lot of responses here warn not to move out.

What can I do to interrupt her "have my cake and eat it too" mentality. Another worry is that she is visiting her father. Her father had an A and abandoned them when they were little to move with his OW and to pursue his job. She literally repeated what her father did less abandoning us. But I honestly think she is considering just saying " screw it all, nobody wants me here anyway "

If I don't move out the only "consiquences" left are me telling OMs wife and reporting them to her integrity line". My poor children. They miss their momas much as I do.